Quick: what do you think the best part about writing a weekly sports column is? No it’s not the scratch, the hot and horny groupies, or the fact I regularly get to turn down people who want to write their own column by telling them my sob story about how “I earned it, dude. I used to cover women’s water polo. Women’s water polo!” – although all of those things are nice. Nope, to me the best part about having a weekly platform is the fact that occasionally I get to get on my soapbox and make my complaints public. And you’ll read it, cause let’s face it, it beats the hell out of listening to your professor sprinkle jokes about their baby into a 75 minute soliloquy about something you don’t want to learn. While I’d love to rip the Grizzlies, Lakers and the NBA for allowing Jerry West to clearly engineer one of the most ridiculously one-sided trades in league history, I have two other complaints that are nearer and dearer to my rapidly clogging heart – not including the fact that Naan Stop’s two-chicken entrée with naan is rapidly clogging my heart…

My first gripe is the fact that ESPN’s Bill Simmons clearly took a peek at my Super Bowl Pros/Cons Column on Monday morning and liked what he saw enough to write the same thing. I’m not kidding. Here’s what I wrote on Sunday night, an hour after Eli Manning goofily proclaimed that he was going to Disney World.

Pro: Karma winning out. The Pats cheated at the beginning of the season, there are signs that they cheated during previous Super Bowls, they ran up the score on opponents, they messed with the media all season long, they employed Randy Moss (who decided to care again after tanking it in Oakland), Bill Belichick was pretty much an a-hole every day, Brady played the walking boot card and, on top of it all, they walked off the field yesterday before the game was even over. On the other hand, the Giants manned-up in a meaningless week 17 game and ended up getting hot at just the right time. Looks like the football Gods finally got it right this time.

Not my most eloquent work, but I think it got the point across. Now here’s what Internet celebrity Simmons wrote later that day on ESPN.com…

Along those same lines, has there ever been a better performance by the Karma Gods than Super Bowl XLII? On one side, you have the Patriots cheating in Week 1, going into “Eff-You” mode and running up scores for the next two months … and just when it seemed like there wouldn’t be any real repercussions, they suffered the double-whammy of Brady’s ankle sprain and Spygate blowing up again days before the final game. On the other side, you have the G-Men nobly playing their starters in Week 17 and giving everyone such a wonderful and unexpected sporting event … and they’re rewarded with four straight wins, a Super Bowl title and one of the most famous upset victories in the history of professional sports. Hmmmmmmm.

Tell me that’s not pretty much the exact same thing! I guess I should be honored, but I can’t help but be saddened that Simmons gets paid big bucks to actually go to the Super Bowl and write this stuff, while I get paid tiny, tiny cents to write virtually the same thing while sitting in an office that’s roof leaks in three different places – even when it hasn’t rained in days. Some people get all the breaks. If you’re reading this one too, Simmons, tell your bosses to call me!

My second complaint is the fact that UCSB’s co-ed intramural basketball leagues use what can only be called the “anti-Title IX” set of rules. Guys aren’t allowed to guard girls, which leads to awkward moments where you have to run next to a girl on a fast break and let her take an uncontested layup, all the while hoping she’ll miss because, let’s face it, uncontested or not she is still a girl. On top of that, guys’ shots count for one point in most spots and two points from beyond the three-point line, while girls’ shots count for the regular amounts. Isn’t the whole point of the women’s equity movement to actually make things equal? We shouldn’t be treating these leagues like those kids leagues where you can call “shot” and everyone has to back off and let you shoot it. From what I can tell, most girls who play co-ed basketball hate these rules and want things to be equal, and on top of that, a lot of them are actually better than the guys they play with. It’s time for you good people at the IM department to make some changes, and return co-ed leagues to the way basketball was meant to be played. And if you don’t want to do that, at least promise me that you won’t punish my team for ripping your rules in the Nexus.