Time to find an exit. The party had severed since the host made Biggy bounce out, so I didn’t have to spot a clock to realize it was a shade past midnight. But halfway through a Hefeweisen, and I’m already regretting the First Amendment. Wait, why did I stop drinking just now? No lemon?

“Dude, you’re chugging that hella slow!”

Oh, right.

“You’re a stoner. You should be able to chug faster.”

Who brought this guy?

Sometimes I think to myself and wonder: Who gave humans the right to speak? No, wait. I mean, who thought apes ought to talk? Actually, more importantly, when did we all start spewing our guts without the forethought to give a fuck? Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve seen the future and, while I may have glimpsed gigantic orange crabs crawling around, I’m also afraid this free speech thing is really just going to make our race seem a whole lot dimmer.

Maybe you know what I’m saying.

That bitch’s hand raises for the fifteenth time in your discussion section.

“Um, so, is this, like, theory like that one episode of SVU where Stabler, like … ?”

Make it stop.

Just because you have the ability to raise your hand, doesn’t mean you should shoot it up whenever a breeze blows around the spider webs in your brain. Since when did participation grades go to the quickest lifter? Your quip should have something meaningful to contribute to the conversation, or at least have been glanced over before you passed it on to the vocal chords. That’s why the show’s called “Jeopardy!” and not “Button Mashing With Alex Trebek.” Swords, Alex. Swords!

Just because you have the ability to speak freely doesn’t mean you should go flinging your cerebral cortex around like a used condom on its way to the trashcan. Play with it a little – knead the rubbery tissue with some mental effort, because, come on, why send it to a slow, confined death when it seems like it only recently popped out of the pussy?

And while it may be too juicy to go ignored, just because you have the power to publish it, doesn’t mean you should necessarily stir up the big blue Aegean. Zeus and his buddies may actually find a way to smite your ass in the long run, and you definitely don’t get enough exercise to outrun a lightning bolt dubbed Chance. Show some signs of class if we’re all going to peruse you in one. I don’t mind if you wet the comedic palate to help pass our time, but just make sure it’s in good taste.

Free speech doesn’t mean you can find it in the clothes bin near the Co-Op. It’s not in the shitty coupon books from the bookstore, and it’s definitely not hiding out in your neighbor’s recycling bin for you to swipe late at night. It’s not even sitting in the newspaper rack outside your lecture hall. So, why treat it like it comes free of charge?

The First Amendment doesn’t grant you access to blurt out whatever you feel like before you even take a second to think about it. It’s a human right that you should respect by showing it some. Take your time, let your thoughts marinate in your delicious brain awhile. Just, please, slow the fuck down and process your thought patterns. Otherwise, I don’t see much hope in an America whose citizens continue to treat their speech rights like they were ordered off the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

You can say whatever you want. I can’t stop you. Scream: “I’m gonna fuck ya!” right now at the top of your lungs. Anyone notice? I’m only trying to make you realize that this free speech idea still came at a price. A price you shouldn’t ignore by handling it like a shiny, new found penny. Honor Abe and the rest of the bunch by using it to make the world a better place.

For if we can so easily free our foolish, drooling mouths, then why is it still illegal to free our clinging minds?