A-B-C, Easy as 1-2-3?
Saturday, Jan. 12, 12:29 a.m. – On Embarcadero del Norte, a group of men yelling at each other attracted the attention of a large crowd, and, eventually, the Isla Vista Foot Patrol.

The officers spotted a 23-year-old man who had actually had a run-in with I.V.’s finest earlier that night. The reason: an inappropriate tirade of deafening insults.

The man – who seemed to have his vocal dial turned up to 11 – told the deputies that he just wanted to go home, all the while trying to dip, duck and dodge the questions thrown his way.

He managed to count how many shots he’d had that night – eight- but could not seem to remember his alphabet for the officers.

After several earnest attempts, trying such letter combinations as the commonly mistaken “K-I-Z” and the just barely incorrect “U-P,” he admitted to the officers, “No, I cannot say my ABCs.”

The man was arrested for public intoxication, and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending successful completion of his 1-2-3s.

She’s a Lady
Sunday, Jan. 13, 1:21 a.m. – After receiving a call from residents on Camino del Sur that a woman was face down on the grass throwing up, an IVFP officer found the19-year-old.

When the deputy approached the woman, she managed to compose herself enough to speak, and, as the officer noted, was exceedingly polite.

Despite her good manners, the woman proved a bit untrustworthy. She told the officer that she had gone to a party with her friends, but that like all underage students at UCSB, she only drank water.

The woman, who had soiled her jeans, repeatedly denied drinking any alcohol. Her story, however, proved about as watertight as a pasta strainer when a test administrated by the deputies showed her blood alcohol content level at .212.

Once the woman realized she was caught in a lie, she apologized profusely for causing trouble and gracefully faced her night in jail, wet pants and all.

Close Encounters of the Leafy Kind
Sunday, Jan. 13, 12:52 a.m. – Officers patrolling Sabado Tarde Road saw a woman stumble down the street, lose her balance and run straight into a bush.

Refusing to let a mere shrub get the best of her, the 19-year-old woman recovered, brushed away the stray twigs from her hair, and continued down the street.

When confronted by the deputies, the woman said she was coming from a party on Sueno Road and that all she had to drink was a beer and a shot.

The officer questioned the validity of her alcohol consumption, and asked the woman if she had any more to drink. She told him, “No, I really did not. I am just a lightweight.”

When informed of her encounter with the foliage, the woman said she did not remember running into the bush, but reassured the officers that she had talked to many people that night.

The officers – still on Sabado – asked the woman if she was aware of her surroundings. The woman told the deputies she was on El Nido Lane coming from Cordoba Road – negating both reality and what she had earlier told the officers.

The woman was arrested for public intoxication and taken to the IVFP station. While in the interview room, she grew tired and fell asleep beneath the table.

The woman was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.