I don’t want to talk about the World Series.
It’s been at least a month now that every person on the planet has known that the Boston Red Sox probably have the most dominant postseason lineup in history. I know last week I said the Rockies would win in five, but that was just to piss off the sports illiterate that sent me texts saying, “Derek u r so dumb! Rockies suk, red sox rool! Lern 2 write!!?1” The only awesome thing about the Series was the fan dressed in full New York Yankees gear flipping off the Red Sox from behind their dugout during game four. That a man would spend hundreds of dollars to travel to a game just to talk shit to his team’s rivals is beyond epic, but the Yankees are lame, so in the end the highlight of the series was about as exciting as finding a can of the Beast under your bed.
The big question from this weekend in sports is the only one that managed to filter through the crossfaded haze that was Sunday: Why do so many NFL teams look like they could get stomped on by the backup squad from I.V. Elementary?
A tape recording of the torrent of obscenities shooting out of my mouth while the Cincinnati Bengals played yesterday could make even a dead rapper like Big L cry. Chad Johnson’s only competition in the “Most Thugadocious Receiver of All Time” award race is Rod Tidwell. Carson Palmer is the only USC export I will ever support in any shape or form and is top-10 in passing. T.J. Houshmandzadeh has burned more defensive backs than Rasheed Wallace has blunts. Despite this, the Bengals are vomiting all over themselves. Sure, their defense has been in jail more times than Henry Earl, but the threat of getting stabbed has to slow down offenses.
Most of it is thanks to a coaching staff that wrote a book called How to Play Football Like a Huge Vagina. Sunday, down 14-3 with two minutes left in the first half, the Bengals had fourth-and-one on the 2-yard line. With the offense being their bread and butter, Head Coach Marvin Lewis should have gone for it, but called for a field goal at the last second. Lewis has never even shown the hint of being a wimp in the past, but this year he’s rolling over faster than Lombardi in his grave. Is this the Twilight Zone?
My own experiences say otherwise. Alternating between hiding a six-pack in my hood at the San Francisco 49ers’ opening game and shiv-making competitions at the Oakland Raiders opener, I heard a lot of first-day optimism from both sets of fans. Alex Smith led the 49ers to a stunning late-game win Monday night, and this was sure to be a sign of things to come. The Raiders had three quarterbacks all competing to take charge of the silver and black, but I can’t even remember any of their names now. Either way, the teams were slated for at least mediocre seasons. Fast forward to today: both teams are 2-5 and getting worse. At the end of the season, I’ll take a shot for every win these teams get, and I bet I’ll be peeing myself with sobriety in just a few months.
Yet the Raiders are always going to implode, and who even knows anything about the 49ers? But what about the Chicago Bears and their 3-5 record? You can’t blame everything on quarterback issues, and I’d even say Brian Griese is doing a good job. Weren’t the New Orleans Saints supposed to be a rejuvenated super team? They are fighting to get to .500 because Drew Brees and Reggie Bush have somehow fallen apart. By far the biggest mystery of all is the Detroit Lions going 5-2. What the hell is going on?
I’m sure some Miami Dolphins fans wish I would mention them magically underperforming. Come on. The Dolphins being garbage is the only thing making sense in the NFL these days.