I will never know for sure, but if I were a gambling man, I would bet that James Bond is flying bald eagle. Despite a brief stint during the ’70s exhibiting a trend I like to call “Satchel Sideburns,” it’s probably safe to say that everyone from Pussy Galore to Xenia Onatopp was silky and smooth in the nether regions. When was the last time, if ever, you saw a porn from the last two decades with an actor’s or actresses’ bush like Phil Spector’s afro? You probably haven’t – as it should be.
Most people out there playing their luck in the streets of Isla Vista every weekend probably have a similar idea when they’re expecting the action most likely coming at the end of the night. Even if they don’t remember it the next morning, their partner might wish they were able to forget. The last thing someone, male or female, wants to wake up to is sorting pubes out from in between their teeth. After a full night of drinking, that might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when it comes to vomiting.
For those of us who aren’t getting lucky as often, or those of us in relationships, we tend to succumb to the standard habits of college: procrastination and apathy. “Oh yeah, sorry. I really meant to shave that last month.” Sound familiar? If it does, you should probably head immediately to the bathroom and fix the problem. Someone might defend their jungle by explaining they are on a dry spell. But who knows: Tonight might finally be your lucky night, and possibly your last lucky night with this person if they’re coughing up hairballs the next day.
For most girls, this is a standard practice because, like the rest of the body (sans the head), it is normal to remain as hairless as Mr. Clean’s dome. And girls – thank you – you certainly do a better job than we do. For most guys though, with maybe the exception of swimmers, the idea of shaving oneself is a very foreign practice. Yes, I realize that penises are hairless, but if you want your balls licked – and you should – then don’t expect much when you have the Amazon covering your love sack. Licking someone’s head doesn’t sound terribly appealing, does it? Neither is licking your hairy balls – I’m assuming. Of course, finding yourself in the mess of a hairy snatch is no better – this I know.
Depending on whether you want to look like a porn star or just trim the hedges, keeping clean can actually be quite simple. Scissors would do the trick, but I think it’s generally a good idea to keep stuff that sharp away from your genitals. Trust me, one trip to the hospital with a case of sliced nutsack and you’ll never make the same mistake again. The next step would be a normal razor, but if you’re shaving closely that can often lead to nasty razor burn and itching, which no one likes. For guys, the easiest step is electric razors with a sideburn (a.k.a. pubes) trimmer. It’s more like mowing the lawn and you can get it short and even, without the razor burn. If you’re trying to prepare for swimsuit season or you just really hate hair – there’s always waxing. Nothing quite like the feeling of having all your hair ripped out at once. Plus you get the smooth finish for weeks to come.
Of course, there are always a select few who choose to remain unshaven. Some people do not like the razor burn that can be left behind, some are hippies and others are just plain lazy. Whatever your reason is, au natural is definitely not the way to go. At least try to trim the hedges – and maybe even trying some designs. A triangle? Your initials? A landing strip perhaps? If you are ever feeling adventurous though, I would suggest the close shave. Dr. Evil knows: “There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.”