Monday morning sections are a bitch. However, they are even more excruciating if you must choke down your Starbucks coffee while staring at the raccoon-eyed, Juicy jumpsuit-wearing girl beside you who vigorously swabs away thick black mascara rings with her velour sleeve and chips away hardened mucus incrusted on her inner eye. What a way to ruin a lattŽ. Wouldn’t you rather bask in the glory of your fantastically outfitted and well put-together reflection that heroically beams as brightly as a UFO beam striking the White House on Independence Day? That is why oversized sunglasses are the saving grace that function as the modern day paper bag. They are an easy, beezy beautiful cover-up for a not-so-pretty face. These modern day fashion statements conceal everyday fugly moments in a health conscious way.

For example, when I wore a Richard Nixon rubber mask to class, I not only nearly hyperventilated from lack of oxygen, but I also developed a festering rash that further disfigured my already unsightly mug. Afterward, I tried paper sacks, empty potato chip bags and a tinted fish tank, but everything irritated my skin, except my 8-inch by 8-inch $13,596 pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses. Now, I am not especially affluent, but I thankfully received full funding from the Associated Students Finance Board to finance my eyewear. Thank God for the Students’ Initiative.

If exposure to ugliness does not prompt you to support beezy goggles, then perhaps a little thing I’d like to call ozone layer-depletion will. As the UV ray-protecting barrier dissipates, so does the future of well-preserved skin. That is why it is better to cover the largest percent of your face possible with polarized lenses than suffer the alternative – developing a saggy, baggy prune-like epidermis and cataracts at age 20.