This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Editor, Daily Nexus,
Oh, God, Larry is still talking about me? We broke up two months ago! You’d think he’d get it through his dense head that I don’t want him back, especially not after those creepy “I swear I’ll die without your love” letters he sent.
Ugh, that guy is such a douche. He complained a lot about my friends from high school like it was a bad thing that I actually maintained longtime friendships. He always made fun of us when we sobbed during Grey’s. Whatever, Larry. At least I talk to my friends in person and not over some stupid WoW battle or whatever the hell that is.
That’s another thing. He was click-clicking away on that stupid game 24/7, like if he beat the game, he’d be the winner of the world. When he wasn’t on the computer, he would go to his friend’s house and drink beer. He would try to convince me to go, too. He’d be all, “Come on, babe, let’s go out and party!” Sorry, Larry, but watching WWE and talking about the last shit you took isn’t exactly a “party.”
He’d come home from those get-togethers piss-drunk, wanting food and sex. The most romantic thing he ever said to me was on one of those drunken nights: “Babe, I want two tacos – one with beef and one in between your legs.” Gag.
Ew, that reminds me of the awful sex. Before me, he was a virgin. The first time I told him he could stick it in me, he got so excited that he came all over my stomach like a 7th grader seeing porn for the first time. Actually, that’s how it always was.
Honestly, I’m just glad to be rid of him. I feel sorry for the girl he convinces to marry him.