This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
So a funny little thing happened the other day. I was working on a paper for one of my classes about the environment when all of a sudden one of my buddies calls me in a panic to tell me he needs me to go to some county board of supervisors meeting because he’s stuck in Los Angeles traffic. Obviously, I would have rather worked on my paper, but my friend said it was important. He told me that one of the items on the meeting’s agenda included changing the hours of the Isla Vista noise ordinance and that I had to give the presentation.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I gave the presentation and I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I got the county to change the noise ordinance. The bad news is, I kind of accidentally wrote down “a.m.” where “p.m.” should have been and “p.m.” where “a.m.” should have been, so now the 6500 blocks have a noise curfew of 2 p.m., the 6600 and 6700 blocks must shut off their noise at 12 p.m., and the 6800 block has a noise curfew of 10 a.m. It wasn’t until much later that I realized why the board members kept giggling during the voting session. I thought I was smart because I sneaked Sunday into the weekend ordinance, but I guess I just made that day worse, too.
So, as you can guess by now, I’m really, really sorry. I goofed up, I know. You don’t need to tell me twice. I promise that I’m going to try and reverse this mistake, but until then, I think we can find a few temporary solutions to our situation here.
First of all, we’re obviously going to have to change our party schedules up and throw keggers during the day. On Saturdays this should be no problem, but Fridays and Sundays pose their own challenges. I know that many of you have morning classes on Friday and that partying in the daylight might be a problem for you. So, I propose a simple solution, one that has worked well for me and many of my boys: Don’t go to class on Fridays. If for some reason your professor is a d-bag and takes attendance, then change your major to something like Film & Media Studies where the professor thinks everyone’s name is Ted. I think it’s a win-win situation because, I mean, who doesn’t like watching movies and now you’ll totally get those “Simpsons” references to “Citizen Kane.”
Moving forward, we have those tricky Sunday mornings. I know that some of you are kind of religious and that’s why you go to a school like UCSB, but I mean look at this way: beer or God? Okay, wait, I was kidding. You can put your pen down and stop invoking the wrath of God. I hear some places have night and afternoon services, so you could always do that instead. Of course, if you are Catholic, you probably don’t want to drink the wine during Communion after you’ve been partying all day, but I guess you could always just drink the holy water as a chaser or something.
Also, let’s try not to get cynical about all of this. In fact, there may be some benefits to partying in the morning instead of the evening: We’ll never have to worry about running out of beer since the liquor stores will always be open, we’ll never get lost on the way to a party ever again since now all of the addresses will be clear and we won’t have to worry about local high school students sneaking into our parties since they probably have to take the SATs or some shit.
Having said all that, I hope you can all find ways to continue partying on the weekends. Once again, I apologize for this error on my part and I will do my best to fix it. Oh yeah, and another thing: One of the pages from my environmental studies class got stuck to the back of the noise ordinance bill, so apparently we all have to drive electric cars now. My bad.