This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Now that the quarter is over, I have a confession to make to all of the Nexus Sports faithful. I assume that most of you – ok, all of you – are male.
For that reason, I would like to apologize to you all. I know I really pulled a fast one on our readership by acting as someone who knew sports, even though clearly I am a female. Biggest oxymoron of the year, right?
Well, now that I have formally apologized and am clearing my record, let the confessions continue. While the Nexus ran a great deal of propaganda last quarter about my “early graduation” and “new job” as a traveling beat writer for the Association of Volleyball Professionals, I am writing to you today, via e-mail, to revoke those erroneous claims.
That’s right dear Gauchos, I withdrew from UCSB because I finally realized my place in American society. Not only should women not play sports, follow sports or even pretend to know the rules of sports, they should not hold jobs either. With that being said, I will take the blame for any errors, either of statistical or layout nature, that may have occurred on this page over the past seven months.
Today as you read this column, I am most likely making my boyfriend’s bed, writing up a grocery list of his favorite foods so that I may prepare a decent dinner for the two of us when he returns home tonight, sweeping and mopping the floors and of course, planning my future. I intend to have at least three children and commit to a life as a homemaker and stay at home mother. Since I am no longer in college, I don’t see why that should not begin to happen anytime in the next few months.
For all of you whom I either fooled or offended, please accept my apology from the bottom of my heart. If not, I will personally make you the best pie you’ve ever tasted this side of your mother’s kitchen.
If that is not enough, you will without a doubt find some comfort in knowing that the Nexus Sports page now rests in the hands of two more than competent men. Please do not hesitate to send mail to the editorial staff of this page congratulating Chris Hoffman, KCSB broadcaster turned co-sports editor. He knows all the rules about soccer, I do not. He has covered all of the major beats including basketball, soccer and baseball. And I did not have any say in his training, a decision made unanimously by all of the male staff here at the Nexus.
I hope that my actions will have a sort of domino effect, not only at this publication but across this campus as a whole. I hear rumors daily that women’s sports are going to get cut from existence in UCSB athletics. My female roommate is ready to pack up her bags as well and move to the Bay Area to be with her boyfriend, so she may adequately serve him. Take that as you will. Women of UCSB, join me in retiring to the kitchen, laundry room, bedroom or anywhere else men need you.
The only time we should ever be around sports is during a major play – I think they score home runs in football, right? When something big is happening in a game, he’s going to need a cold beer, preferably already opened.