This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
An explosion at Jerusalem Garden Cafe early this morning sent at least 50 pre-prepared falafel balls and 30 pita pockets through the roof and into the air, shattering the tranquility of Isla Vista’s beachside community.
The blast occurred at approximately 1 a.m. in the kitchen of the cafe, and no employees or patrons were injured. Though police are still investigating, I.V. Foot Patrol officers present at the scene said agents financed by Isla Vista Spot may be to blame.
If the detonation is found to be an intentional act of aggression by the rogue Persian restaurant, it could be the first shot fired in a price war that has been brewing since the fall. It was then that the Spot acquired the Bomb Hookah after years of developing a clandestine wallet-enrichment program.
“Man,” typical I.V. resident Brandon Broski said of the Spot’s Bomb Hookah. “It’s so bomb, the taste is like, an explosion, bro. The only feeling that comes close is like, catching a totally gnarly wave.”
Uncle Sam’s To Go owner George W. Hatasandwich has urged the two restaurants to come to a peaceful resolution. The powerful sandwich seller has much at stake because I.V. Spot controls the area’s fourth-largest reserve of cooking oil, and is a major supplier of the vital resource to both Uncle Sam’s and its ally Jerusalem Garden Cafe.
Officials at I.V. Spot immediately denied responsibility for the incident, though Jerusalem Garden – its sworn competitor in the region – claims to have evidence that the restaurant has plotted to scare away customers in the past.
Rhetoric between the restaurants has been heated as of late. Spot owner Amir Tehrani recently announced that the Jerusalem Garden Cafe is a disgraceful blot on the map of I.V., which should be “wiped off the cliff.”
In response, Jerusalem Garden Cafe owner David Straussowitz has said a plague will befall the Persian restaurant, followed by locusts unleashed in its stores of tea – eventually plunging the Spot into perpetual darkness, accompanied by “much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
While Straussowitz does not confirm or deny his own Bomb Hookah capabilities, he has made it clear that he will not shy away from competition.
“The Spot wants to know if we have the Bomb Hookah?” Straussowitz huffed. “I dare them to come find out. I’m saying it here for everyone to hear: Jerusalem Garden Cafe will not stand down. We will smoke [out] anyone who challenges us!”
Straussowitz said that though his cooking oil supply was not affected by the blast, he will not be able to fry falafel balls for several weeks due to pending repairs in the kitchen and on the roof.
Uncle Sam’s To Go has recently moved to reduce tension between the restaurants by offering an incentives package consisting of pork-filled sandwiches. It has also provided a sunny outdoor bench to serve as a venue for three-party peace talks.
“A tasty ham and American cheese sandwich on white bread is the perfect way to solve problems,” Hatasandwich said. “Plus pitchers are just $4.99 during happy hour!”
Besides serving as a mediator, Uncle Sam’s has thus far elected to stay out of the conflict. However, the restaurant has of late begun showcasing its power by placing nuclear submarine sandwich pictures on banners throughout Pardall Road and the Embarcadero loop. The subs depicted are capable of launching a deadly craving for the Bomb Hookah with pinpoint accuracy nearly anywhere in I.V.
Hatasandwich acknowledged that recent conflicts with a now-defunct Iraqi food restaurant have worn his popularity thin in I.V. Despite this, he said he will attempt to gain diplomatic ground with the two competing Bomb Hookah restaurants by reminding them of the Hirosh-ookah and Hookah-saki incidents, which resulted in widespread destruction of food in Isla Vista a half-century ago.
“This campaign is designed to send a message to the area,” Hatasandwich said. “Though other powers have developed hookah as bomb as ours, and might be taking some of our customers and cooking oil, they should remember that we are the only restaurant to ever use the awful cancer-causing capability of the hookah in anger.”
In related news, crude cooking oil prices soared to $63.28 per bottle amidst I.V. market fears that cooking oil exports could be affected by the instability.