Step aside, Judge Judy. Here comes Judge Larry. That’s Judge Larry Seidlin to be exact – the man in charge of the debacle that is the Anna Nicole Smith trial. If you’ve watched the news lately, then I’m sure you’ve witnessed this guy’s attempt at fame. If you haven’t, he’s like a cross between Judge Reinhold’s character in Beverly Hills Cop and Judge Joe Brown.
God knows how he actually went from being a cabbie to being broadcast around the nation. Regardless, he was the judge who ultimately ruled after days of soap opera worthy absurdity, to have Smith’s body buried in the Bahamas alongside her son who died months earlier. The decision makes sense logically. When her son died, she fell apart and stayed pent up in her apartment, grieving for days on end. So, as tragic and unexpected as her death was, it would only make sense that she would want to be buried near him. Nevertheless, it took good old Judge Larry days to come to this conclusion. All the while, her body was rapidly decomposing. Luckily he kept things entertaining.
In a possible allusion to one of Flavor Flav’s ex-flings, Tiffany Pollard, better known as “New York,” Seidlin decided to name all the lawyers present after the States they came from. When he wasn’t getting confused, calling the one from Texas, “California,” and vice versa, he could be seen telling completely unnecessary anecdotes or offering weary looking spectators juice or protein bars to freshen up.
All in all, he made for some quality entertainment that was impossible not to laugh at, despite the serious subject matter. It was especially refreshing considering the alternative: More news of destruction and death in Iraq, which does nothing but leave us with a jaundiced view of the world. It was particularly funny to see how different stations reported the same story. On the left, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC labeled everyone involved with the trial as the “worst persons” in the world. On the right, I had to sit through an excruciatingly painful hour of The O’Reilly Factor, only to see that he ignored the topic completely. O’Reilly seemed to have no problem gloating about the success of his newest book, though.
As troubling as it is to say, Judge Larry’s [days have most likely come to an end. News anchors and lawyers alike have ridiculed the esoteric man for abusing his 15 minutes of fame as well as being overly dramatic and inappropriate in manner. Sure he sobbed, but he made the right decision, so who cares. There are plenty of hard-line, unemotional judges who could have breezed through the trial. But they’d be no fun to watch. Besides, we all know news isn’t portrayed accurately or objectively these days, so it might as well keep us glued to the screen. On that note, I laud Judge Larry for his candor and wish him success in the future. I’m sure VH1 can find space for him in between “Surreal Life” episodes and “I Love the ’80s” reruns.
Fortunately, as far as closure goes, the best has yet to come in the Anna Nicole Smith fiasco. The focus will now be turned to the real question all those involved in the case want answered: Who’s the daddy? Smith’s five-month old child and heir, Dannielynn, is worth millions. And why should anyone worry over a dead body when there’s money on the table? Fighting over this lotto ticket of a child is a growing number of men who claim to be the kid’s daddy. Everyday it seems that another possible father is added to the list, which led my Dad to wonder if he’s the only guy she hadn’t screwed over the last year. It’s not like any of these men care for the child. This is Anna Nicole Smith’s offspring we’re talking about. I can only imagine how fucked up she’ll turn out.
While a DNA test will eventually sort things out, for the time being all bets are on. Literally. Go to BetUS.com to get the latest odds on Smith’s baby paternity odds. Ah, the wonders of the Internet. Thanks Anna Nicole. And thank you Al Gore!