To some people, Valentine’s Day is about love, romance and passion. To others it is a day where you have to do shit you don’t want to do for your significant other. Regardless, if you’re single or tied down, Valentine’s Day is mainly about getting tipsy and going on a hunt for a late night bone sesh. The best way to beat guts on Valentine’s Day is to add some wine into the mix.

Wine is a timeless aphrodisiac. To sophisticatedly woo a lover tonight, buy a bottle of wine. Wine knowledge is not required because you can impress your target through the usual means of charming – bullshitting, of course. Walk around a party swirling wine by moving the glass in a circular motion. When people ask what you’re doing tell them that it aerates the wine and releases flavors and aromas. Comment on the wine’s “legs,” which are the streaks of wine that form on the side of the wine glass after swirling the wine. The legs represent how much surface tension and alcohol the wine has, but you can say something like, “Do you see how this wine has many legs? That means it is of very high quality and is very expensive.” Even if you bought a bottle of two-buck chuck – Charles Shaw – you can just continuously make up facts and stories about how nice the wine is and how expensive it was. If you have someone special you will be trying to impress tonight, try spewing out some made up facts. Most college students know little about wine and you should be able to get away with this.

If the “intellectual wino” method doesn’t work, try champagne. Even though guys hate to admit it, everyone loves Andre. Andre is delicious and can help you relax, especially if you are one of those shy, nervous guys. You can even kick it I.V.-style and incorporate some Andre into a drinking game or two for a fun and enjoyable Valentine’s Day evening.

However, people also know that Andre is only three or four dollars a bottle. If your intended mate is stuck up, Andre won’t work. The answer is Port. Port is a Portuguese wine usually used as a dessert wine because it is often sweet. The best part about Port wine is that it has an alcohol content of around 20 percent. This is a great way to get drunk with a loved one or even just a random, and play a game called, “see what fits where.”

The alcohol is not the erotic part about drinking wine or champagne. Examining the colors of the liquid, caressing the glass and savoring the flavor can be romantic. If you chose a red wine, try adding some cinnamon essential oil. Cinnamon itself increases blood flow and the scent can be very exciting. It also leaves a delightful aftertaste. After you add a drop or two of cinnamon, try some nutmeg oil as well. Like the cinnamon, it has a very sensual scent and has long been regarded as an aphrodisiac. If you prefer white wine, add some liquid honey to create a viscous and sexual texture. Honey was used by ancient Egyptians to cure sterility and impotence, and is still believed to be very erotic. When adding some honey to the white wine, “accidentally” spill some on your lover and enjoy some sticky foreplay. Vanilla oil and rose oil can also be added to white wine to increase the romantic attributes in a similar manner.

Whatever you end up doing for Valentine’s Day, try to incorporate wine into it. If you chose to sit at home and masturbate, try it out as a lubricant. If you hate the taste of wine all together, add some cola to it to make a delicious Spanish drink called a calimocho. If you are a booze hound and just want to get drunk, go buy two bottles of cheap ass wine, pound them as fast as you can and forget Valentine’s Day all together. Regardless of the decision you make, have a Happy Valentine’s Day.