“I don’t understand Jews who get on Christians about Christmas. It’s a beautiful holiday. They’re celebrating the birth of their Lord and Savior, who gave his life for them, and will one day lead them to salvation. What are we celebrating with Channukah? That the candles didn’t go out? That we got a really good value on that oil?”

“How often do I masturbate? Let’s just say that you’re lucky I’m here.”

“The only problem I could see trusting to Dick Cheney would be if you had a dead hooker in your hotel room. That seems like something he’d know how to deal with.”

“I could see having a problem with gay marriage … if it were mandatory.”

“The Pope is the most loved man who no one agrees with.”

“Jews and blacks share a history of oppression. And they’ve both developed things from it. Blacks have the blues, this beautiful, soulful, music. Jews complained. We just never thought to put it to music. We whine, we just don’t have a sense of rhythm. That’s our problem.”

“We have a president who went to war appealing to the higher father. Gee, I kind of thought that’s what the other side went to war for too . . . is God fucking with us?”

“If God blessed America over all other places, why did he bury all of our fuel under those fucking maniacs? Why didn’t he put it in New Hampshire?”

“On Yom Kippur, you don’t eat for one day and all your sin for the whole year is atoned. . .beat that Lent. It’s 40 days to one day – even in sin you’re paying retail.”

“Scientists are working on cloning – cloning! Dude, there’s six billion people in the world, sex is working.”

“We believe in technology the same way we believe in God. We believe in them unconditionally and with fear.”

“You know what the Emergency Broadcast System is a test of? Your remote.”

“With all the hunger and all the disease in the world, what’s the one thing we’ve worked diligently to cure in the world? Impotence.”

“I will fuck with death, but I’ll do it responsibly – from behind a corner.”

“I’m 40 pounds of asthmatic Jew my friend. You don’t want a piece of this.”

– Jon Stewart