It was a typical Friday at Study Hall for me — playing Erotic Photo Hunt with my girls, sipping on Strongbow and flirting with Elio and Smitty, except that this time, he was there. He began his pursuit by sending me over a glass of water, at which I scowled indignantly. The flirting escalated from there as he sent me shooters between whispering dirty things in my ear and kissing my neck as he walked by. Ignoring our friends, we snuck out back where we began what turned out to be a very long walk back to my house, stopping various times around I.V. to finish what we had started in the bar. It wasn’t a random guy I gave it up to that night behind the Hall — it was the one person that it was hardest to say no to. It was my ex-boyfriend.
Breaking up is hard to do. Whether it was a sad, bawling-for-hours end or a furious, this-is-fucking-over breakup, anyone with an investment in the relationship loses. On top of losing the availability of comfortable sex, for many serious relationships, you lose one of your closest friends. Time may pass when you don’t see each other but, when you finally do, the question of sex is always there. Should you sleep together or not?
With very few exceptions, my universal answer to this question is no. If you are considering going down that path, hear me out. Thanksgiving weekend is a holiday for family, massive quantities of food and partying with your friends from high school, which, for many of us, includes our ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. This is an easy situation in which to revert back to your high-school self — minus the braces and weird hair — and find yourself hooking up with your ex in the back of a Suburban. I’m here to prevent you from getting angst-ridden and becoming a Something Corporate-blasting seventeen-year-old so that when you’re with that someone you cared intensely about, your emotions do not get the best of you.
First, remember that there is a reason you two broke up in the first place; maybe he was a cheating bastard or she was a whiny clinger. Either way, there was and probably still is an issue there to consider. Also, feelings, especially love, do not just evaporate into thin air. If you are truly trying to move on, you will not do yourself any favors by back-pedaling. You will revert to the person you were right after the breakup, ranging from the sobbing, pathetic heap to the pissed-off fireball who bitches at everyone. Either way, it won’t be fun for you or your friends who already had to witness you in this horrible stage once before.
The only situation in which it is okay to fall back into the arms of your ex is when there is absolutely no desire to be together anymore — or when both of you have already decided to commit to each other, yet again. Too often it is only one person harboring feelings and hopes that are crushed when the other pulls the “babe, this is a one time thing” card. Basically, if you are hell-bent on screwing your ex, make sure you are both on the same page to prevent a blowout that channels Jerry Springer at its worst.
Yes, sex is best when you are completely comfortable with the person you’re sleeping with, because comfort equals more experimentation, which equals hitting pleasure spots in places you didn’t know existed. I love kinky sex as much as the next person, but I’m not willing to put my ex’s feelings or my own on the line for a good fuck – unless I hate them and don’t give a shit about their feelings, in which case angry ex sex is perfectly acceptable. Hate Sex with your ex is also acceptable. Can’t stand each other? Rough, angry sex can be amazing, and you won’t have to worry about falling into a relationship trap with the classic wham, bam, “God that was good but don’t talk to me because I fucking hate you” sex.
So this weekend, while you are getting shit-faced with your family and chowing down, remember to keep your stuffing in your turkey to prevent any psychotic exes sitting outside your window with a boom box and warbling love song.