Any guy can tell you that foreign girls are mind-numbingly attractive. Whether they’re actually hot, which most that I’ve met seem to be, or even if they’re not, there’s something about their presence that makes it impossible to ignore them. And I don’t know if this trait is common among all men, but I totally have a sixth sense that allows me to pick up on their tantalizing accents from a great distance. When I finally get the nerve to go introduce myself, I get that feeling inside that Tom Hanks had in Big” when he busted out his moves on that life-size piano. You know, that kid-with-the-cookie-jar, I.V.-alcoholic-with-his-Taaka feeling.

The conversation that ensues can lead them back to my place or go absolutely nowhere, but is guaranteed to be titillating. In fact, the less I can make out she says, the better. After all, it’s the sense of knowing the girl doesn’t totally understand you that makes her so much hotter. By talking to girls who barely understand English, it’s hard to say the wrong thing or sound like an idiot. You can tell her you’re glad to meet her, or be more blunt and say you want lots of sex, and she’ll probably just smile, laugh and turn you on even more than she already has.

Okay, okay, I know there are a lot of foreign girls who do speak good English, but they’re so different than American women that they’re practically as alluring. First of all, they don’t tend to know they’re hot. If they do, they do a lot better job of not making this obvious, whereas nine out of 10 times the American babe would not even make eye contact with the average guy. The Spanish bombshell that sits next to you in section, on the other hand, is probably down to talk. The obvious irony here is that she knows far less English than the American, and yet is still more willing to strike up a conversation. I attribute this eagerness to talk to their collective desire to become better at English while engaging themselves in American culture. By American culture, I mainly mean getting sloppy and playing beer pong, the latter of which, from what I gathered on my travels, does not exist overseas. Pity.

This brings me, however, to another point I want to make about hot foreigners. Yes, many share the American love of getting wasted, but I feel that as a whole, they are much more aware of the world around them, and much more involved. They love having conversations about politics, art, literature or anything that doesn’t revolve around how fucked up they were the night before. I once met this gorgeous half-Swedish, half-Polish girl on a flight to London, and while I admit I really just wanted to join the mile high club with her, we had a great talk about the problems of socialism in Sweden. Obviously this could have happened with an American girl, too, but I genuinely think my odds are higher with a Polish Swede.

The last thing that turns me on to foreign girls is their warmth and openness towards others. There is no question in my mind that they value family more than Americans. Yes, there are obviously exceptions to this case, but of all my friends, the Swede, the Spaniard and the Indian spend more time with their extended family than anyone else. By surrounding themselves with people they love, they are naturally inclined to be warm and outgoing. Many cold and reclusive American girls, on the other hand, would rather say, as Dane Cook puts it, “Fuck guys. Let’s just stand in a circle around our shoes and our pocketbooks… And let’s just dance. And if guys come near us we’ll Taser them.”

Daily Nexus columnist Adam Wenger would fly to London tonight for the opportunity to bang a hot British chick.