I’m obsessed with area codes. I can’t help it. It’s my belief that your area code can tell you a lot about what kind of person you really are. Think about it. It’s just a symbol of where you live, right? And we’re all products of the environment in which we lived. Ergo, your area code is a reflection of yourself.

That’s why I decided to create the Codeoscope,( your guide to spiritual enlightenment… or my excuse to make fun of where you live. What I did is I went through all of the area codes in California, and treated each like a symbol of the zodiac. You’ll see the area the code applies to, the best traits of someone from a given area code, their worst traits and, for good measure, their best compatibility match and symbolic object. Linda C. Black, take a hike.

760: 760’s take up a lot of space: the Imperial Valley, the Mojave Desert, Northern San Diego County and the Coachella Valley. You guys love to party because you’re from a sedate area with nothing to do. You probably enjoy the great outdoors. Keep in mind, though, that you have just as much of a chance of being boring as hell like the town you grew up in. People from 619, 661, and 951 are right up your alley. Your symbol is the Joshua tree – either a source of pride or the bane of your existence.

949: People from 949 belong to that elite group of people from South Orange County. Non-Californians look at you in awe because they assume that you’re just like the people on “The OC” or “Laguna Beach”. Not for people who prefer the “coffeehouse” set. You have a tendency to come off as shallow and fake like a 310 and you guys get along great. You’re even known to attract a 626 or two sometimes. Your symbol is naturally Kristin Cavallari.

951: 951 is composed of Riverside, Temecula, Murrieta and the San Jacinto Mountains. You try and defend your turf by saying, “It’s pretty,” or “We have vineyards.” Both are true, but those are the only things that distinguish you from 909. Find people from 661 and 805; they can feel your pain. Your symbol is the casino token because the casino in Temecula is the only reason people would willingly visit you other than UC Riverside.

714 and 562: You live in either North Orange County or the Gateway Cities. You get to brag that you grew up in the OC or near the OC without being a stuck-up bitch, because you’re from the “real” side. But by “real,” of course, I mean, “hood.” So much drama in the LBC, and so forth. Small wonder your symbol is the Doggfather himself, Snoop D-O-double G. Seek out those from 818, 831 and 916, homeboys.

909: You hail from the infamous Inland Empire, Claremont, Redlands or Big Bear. Nothing spells “derection” for a male 310 like the numbers “9,” “0,” and “9,” because you represent everything they can’t stand: lifted pickups, Linkin Park, bronzer and generally all things white and trashy. Indeed, your symbol is definitely the broho. Just keep remembering that you have easy access to the ski slopes and court those from 951, 760, 916 and 530.

310: You live the sweet life in West LA, Malibu, Palos Verdes… and Compton. You’re as connected as a 323 except higher on the social status ladder. Everyone is either jealous of you or thinks you’re a snobby, “fake,” pretentious asshole that represents everything they hate about Los Angeles. No wonder other 310’s are your best friends, although you also share a kindred spirit with 949 in many ways. The firecrotch herself, Lindsay Lohan is your symbol.

818: You live in the San Fernando Valley. You’re like a 323, except the people you know are in infomercials or porn. You’re thought of as kinda sleazy and trashy sometimes, like the companies in your area. Find 626’s and 661’s to make you feel more important. Your symbol is the clapped out Integra you see in the parking lot with that ugly-ass carbon fiber hood that totally doesn’t match the rest of the car.

Daily Nexus columnist C.K. Hickey screens his hot dates by simply asking for their numbers.