“Oh yes, honey, missionary again, well okay, harder…” PTHHPPTH. Before you know it, you’re lying in bed not-so-blissfully ignorant of the sex you could be having, but lacking the knowledge or sex toys that would make your sex life rival that of your neighboring couple… So I’ll be your professor, you can be my student, and today we will learn about the art and pleasure of spontaneous sex. If you’re naughty today, stay after for extra lessons because you could always use an extra oomph to boost up your grade… or anything else you might be able to think of. First item to remember: Experience is always the best teacher.
The night began innocently enough, as I sat on the third floor of Davidson, cracked out on my third Rockstar and complaining to my parents about studying for my Poli. Sci. final. Out of nowhere, my phone was snapped shut and I was yanked off of my ass, pushed into the girl’s bathroom and sexually ravaged in a manner that would make even your slut-ass mom blush. Yeah, I called your mom a dirty slut; deal with it. The sex that night was dirty, public and exciting. I left the bathroom flushed from my orgasm, extremely happy and wholly unable to care about the imminent failure of my finals.
The danger of being caught and potentially scarring someone for life makes sex that much riskier and yes, that much more fun. Spontaneity is one of the most pleasurable aspects of sex. Screwing the same type of person in the same positions can become painfully repetitive, to the point where girls are faking it while thinking about the upcoming LSATs, and boys are running through images of girls they wish they were having sex with, trying desperately to bust a load while their lubrication rapidly dries out.
Many people think that monogamy cripples sex lives that were once adventurous and new. However, I have had some of the kinkiest and dirtiest sex with people who were my one and only partner, and some super lame, one position only, utterly disappointing screws with some two-pump chumps whose names I have forgotten out of sheer lack of enthusiasm. A plethora of partners is not the only way to keep your sex life spicy.
However, even lacking the comfort of a partner in a monogamous relationship should not keep you from suggesting some kinkier moves. No, I’m not suggesting that you stick a finger up the ass without warning (that crosses a line, people), but do discuss how far you are willing to roam. The one night I had the courage to discuss sexual options with someone I knew would be a one-night stand, we ended up going at it for hours. Before I knew it, I had broken my desk chair during some lap-straddling, boot-kicking booty. I let my guard down and ended up having sex that was worth needing to steal my roommate’s chair every time I sat at my computer on Facebook for the rest of the year.
Never be scared to initiate sex at any time. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll be rejected, and take it from me, rejection is easy to bounce back from. I once coyly (or drunkenly) attempted to hook up with a guy in his bathroom, only to be curtly shot down. I gave my bruised ego approximately five minutes to mend, then peaced out to find the most fortunate man in Isla Vista that night – my next potential suitor.
The more risks you take, the more things you will realize you like, and the more fun you will have in the process. Fun sex also means a greater return rate, which means the number of your willing booty calls will soon rival the number of freshmen who attempted suicide by stepping into the congested bike lane this past week and that equals a whole fucking lot of potential ass. Take my lesson to heart and you could soon find yourself at the verge of your own spontaneous combustion.
Daily Nexus columnist Jenny Paradise fails to understand that your “slutty” mom has a serious mood disorder which affects her ability to think rationally.