No more lying to your parents about where you spent Friday night. No more switching back clocks to extend curfews. No more mandatory class before eight. And no more driving around late at night looking for the perfect spot to hook up with your jailbait date because your high school bedroom won’t cut it anymore. That’s right, kiddies, no more high school. Welcome to UCSB! Just the word “college” is an aphrodisiac. It implies new sexual freedom away from the confines of your parent’s house and into your very own dorm room, complete with roughly 40 new and arousing 18-year-olds just mere steps away in your new hall. As an older and experienced fourth year, it is my duty and immense pleasure to welcome you to the dos and don’ts of university sex and relationships.
Don’t, under any circumstance, get busy with more than one of the potential hotties on your floor in the dorms. Not only does it make watching TV in the common room supremely awkward, but it also creates excited whispers and shifty glances that label you as Francisco Torres’ very own seventh-floor skank every time you walk into the dining commons.
Do have an arrangement with your roommate for scheduling different sex times. These signals can range anywhere from designated times to the more subtle approach of drawing a symbol on the dry-erase board hanging outside your door. This will prevent you from stumbling in on your roommate as she’s doing the reverse cowgirl with the stoner from the fourth floor in buck-naked glory. These images will traumatize you and haunt the dreams of your mid-lecture naps for the rest of your freshman year.
Don’t ever, under any circumstance, get busy without protection. Pulling out before busting a load does not count. Basically, if you are exploring new territory, you need to shield yourself… literally. Condoms are the best protection against sexually transmitted infections and also help to prevent any unwanted pregnancies from fourth-floor Freddy or with that one chick from the dining commons. Trust me, I’m a doctor… practically.
Do commandeer clothing from any hookup, ranging from T-shirts and boxers to pledge pins. My personal favorite is basketball shorts because they are comfortable and acceptable to wear in public. Paired with large sunglasses, your walk-of-shame clothing is rockable around I.V. in popular public eateries such as the Bagel Cafe and the Cantina for breakfast burritos. Commandeered clothing either assures another phone call to reclaim your collateral or acts as adequate compensation for your time and anything else you might have given up.
Don’t ever stay over at a house in Isla Vista if you’re not getting a ride home in the morning. If you’re not going to get a ride home, then make sure to bring your bike to the booty call. However, I would strongly recommend changing from heels to flip flops if you feel inclined to bike under the influence at 3 a.m. Not only will this decrease your chance of attracting the attention of bored I.V. Foot Patrol officers, but biking plus drinking plus heels can equal a horrific collision between your face and the asphalt of the street in front of Pita Pit, consequently cracking your teeth and leaving you out of commission for a week – hypothetically speaking of course.
Do expand your social circle – and sexual conquests – outside of your dorm. Be friendly and personable in your classes because, for the most part, they are going to be filled with freshmen just as sexually explorative and open to meeting new people as you are. If you limit yourself to only hooking up with people in your dorm, not only will a small group of people think that you are more than slightly promiscuous, but you will not have the benefit of meeting new friends through random hookups.
This is college. It comes once in your life and you will only get from it what you put in, or what gets put in you. The more people you explore, the greater your knowledge and experience will become. Live it up.
Daily Nexus Sex Columnist Jenny Paradise commandeers young minds as well as fresh boxers every week in your friendly school newspaper’s Wednesday Hump.