The ‘human would like to congratulate Jared for his eventual victory for A.S. President. The ‘human hopes that he will use his new position to make sure that he surpasses the coolness of the only other famous Jared the ‘human can think of: That asshole on all the subway commercials.

Monday’s forecast: The ‘human supposes if it could pinch a foot long loaf, giving its constituents something to marvel at while they take a dump, it would surpass the coolness of both the Jareds.