Sex and food: We wouldn’t be here without either of them. Many people are curious to combine the two in the bedroom, so, to inform all you food sex virgins about the combo out there, I outlined a few points that I feel would be helpful. In no time at all you’ll graduate from these baby steps into gourmet sex chefs.
I consider ice cubes a brief introduction to food in the bedroom. You get a feel for how liquid moves with the contours of your partner’s body and you don’t have to worry about a sticky clean up. After a few minutes of exploring you can get a good idea where the water will slope down, under his body onto the bed sheets, or where it will collect in little pools, waiting to be lapped up. If you don’t really dig the ice cube idea, at least they melt quickly in this kind of situation, so it will all be over soon.
Moving on to other edibles, I must preface it with saying: Keep them away from the vagina. Anything that you put in the vagina, save a penis or a finger or a dildo, is foreign to it – it has a rather delicate balance that can easily be thrown off when new things are introduced. If you cover it with food, you are inviting an infection. Unless you want to be uncomfortably out of the game for a while, use caution with the cooter.
So, finally moving on, most of the edible spreadables you and your partner will gravitate towards will be sweet. I only assume this because I’ve never heard of anyone dying to lick Cheese Whiz or salsa off of someone else’s nipples. The most typical foods used in the bedroom are ice cream, chocolate sauce and whipped cream: The old human sundae bit. As you can imagine, the reality of these is that they are incredibly messy. Not just “rubbing my body all over with chocolate” messy, but “why is my back stuck to the sheet” messy. The whole point of food is to have a good time and lick each other clean. No one wants to lick your sticky, lint covered back. My advice is to veto the ice cream; it melts too quickly. Whipped cream melts relatively quickly, too, so no bikini a la “Varsity Blues”, but it is definitely worthwhile in the right places like the chest, nipples, neck and penis. Now, because chocolate sauce is a liquid, it will take a real pro to salvage the bed sheets, because it moves so fast. Key tips: Skip the neck and focus on the middle of the chest and belly.
The best thing to use along these lines is cake icing, more specifically the icing tubes that you personalize your baked goods with. You’ll find them right next to the candles and the sprinkles. It’s easier to control where you put it on the body, and it wont melt immediately, so you have time to cover every inch of each other’s bodies. The best part about it is that, because it’s thick, it takes some serious tongue action to get each other all clean. Plus, they come in assorted colors and flavors, for whatever mood you might find yourself in.
If you have always been curious about the relationship between produce and the vagina, there are an array of phallic edibles you can try on for size. The banana is one, but that always freaks me out because of the rough patch on the very tip of it; I always picture it snagging and scratching. Plus, it isn’t very firm because it has a soft center, so it isn’t the most true-to-life or pleasurable of the bunch. The cucumber, however, now that is a fabulous example. It’s extremely firm, and sizes have a wide range from normal to “will that scrape my kidney?” Another great one is squash. It’s got a unique shape, like most penises do, and it looks less conspicuous next to your bed than a cucumber does – kind of. You can easily clean these items in the sink and wrap a condom around them for use. It’s just harmless fun … unless your roommate’s cucumber turns into a pickle. Then you have a problem that I can’t even begin to give you advice about.
Be playful, be creative, and have fun. Keep your eyes and mind open next time you’re out shopping for food – you never know how you might be able to use it.
Nothing satisfies Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony more than the sweet outer skin and tart inner flesh of a juicy kumquat.