Oh, this glorious day has finally come, after weeks — no — months of planning, of coordinating flawless lingerie to match each of those valentine candy hearts, of endless hours of cheesy movies and stale popcorn, of wild fantasies and high hopes, Valentine’s Day has arrived dousing us with bad chocolates and overreaching expectations and reminding us that love really is all around us.
Just the mention of Valentine’s Day makes my love juices surge and my emotions do a 10-second keg stand. I just want to take a large bite out of that juicy Double Double of love soaked in special sauce, sprinkled with stale beer and dirty words, and relax while my endorphins enjoy some foreplay. Girls put on those miniskirts and tread into this orgy of true love and honorable gentlemen that abound in our little town. Love, like cheap beer, flows freely through the streets and bedrooms, leaving behind it the sweet smell of Axe and unlimited possibilities. It nestles itself in used condoms and burrito wrappers, seeps in through broken screens and projectile vomiting and shows its magnificent light to all who are sober enough to revel at its greatness.
Although lacking sweet promises and a fairytale ending, this love is as remarkable as that first time you didn’t have to fake an orgasm. It’s juicy, it’s real, it’s titillating, it’s lacking all the things you hoped for, but it exists in all its magnificence right in front of your face. I’m not saying lower your standards; I just want you to improvise a little. Understand that there’s nothing wrong with falling short of your outdated romantic notions and that the more you adapt your standards the happier and more sexually satisfied you’ll be.
Accept the fact that slurred terms of endearment and cheap fast food symbolize commitment, and that although drenched with good intentions, our male counterparts are first and foremost sexual beings. Just like us. So, why preoccupy ourselves with high hopes when we can just as easily dismiss these idiosyncratic ideas of love and grasp a new, more improved, and practical symbol of affection? Wrap your legs around the fact that sex is sex and love is just a four letter word and all your expectations will come out of you faster than you can breathe in a sigh of relief. This is it.
Forget Prince Charming, give me a fully endowed frat boy and we’ll create a happy ending faster than my roommates can down their shots. So, for girls everywhere, celebrate the notion of expectation-free sexual endeavors, responsibly of course, and succumb to the forces that be. Love is ambiguous and, like many of our thoughts and beliefs, will take on a whole new meaning in just a few years. But for now, reel in those drunken heartthrobs and celebrate Valentine’s Day one glorious orgasm at a time. For love really is all around us.
Natalie Morad is a sophomore business economics major.