With the search for alternative fuels becoming a more and more pressing issue, I think that we should go out on a limb and look to humans for the answer. When I need to walk somewhere or do anything, I use fat stores from my body – which I conveniently rack up with Philly cheese steaks and fried chicken – for energy. Well, why not do the same for transportation? It’s about time we invent a mechanism to allow cars to run off of human fat.

Now, let’s not get crazy. Who actually wants to go to the liposuction clinic and pick up those sacks of fat? We all saw “Fight Club” and know that it will only get caught on some barbed wire and spill, leaving an unsightly and biohazardous mess. So, I propose that someone invent a car that uses your fat while you drive. Get in, put on your seatbelt, hook up a syringe and you’re off. That way you don’t have to actually touch the fat.

We will all finally get to eat everything we want, and also not have to pay for pricey conventional gas. I have had Lean Cuisine and fat-free ranch dressing, and it sucks. Don’t lie – you know you wanted the regular Coke but instead went with diet. Why? Because you’d have to work off those calories at the gym, and you’d probably drive there anyway, which wastes gas as well. Now, you’d be working off that soda just by driving home from the drive-thru. Don’t you want to count your carbs in an “oh, is that gonna be enough?” kind of way?

Fast food companies got us addicted to bad food, and I for one don’t want to take responsibility for liking it. Derogatory names like “fat American” will be a thing of the past, and countries that hate us will have to find something else to pick on. I mean, “fat American” would turn into “crafty American that’s getting around for free.” And while this may sound a little bitter, finally skinny people will be getting screwed. But, I am willing to donate some fat to them, so they can get around too.

Picture this little scenario if you will. You’re driving to Vegas, and you break down cause you’re out of fat, but you’re skinny now, so you don’t even care, ’cause you look good in a swimsuit. Sweet.

And so I call upon anyone who can to put this together. It’s time for a revolution. I mean, using gasoline is so pedestrian anyway. The whole world uses it. The way I see it, once they catch up to us in something, we have to go start something new for the globe to bite off of. So it makes perfect sense, and it just feels right. The day that I can truly feel good about eating a Monte Cristo sandwich is going to be a great day. don’t you think?

Keren Sookne is a fourth-year chemical engineering major.