The thing that most befuddles the ‘human about January is why everyone is so eager to look at the ‘human’s overpriced, undersized excuse of a living quarter. Don’t you freshmen know that the ‘human would rather pleasure itself in its unique, weatherlike way than show you around its shithole house?

Monday’s forecast: The ‘human will stand naked greeting freshmen in its doorway, scaring them off with its strange, unisexed weatherorgan. It’s really creepy.