He Had Too Much Captain in Him
Friday, Oct. 28, 11:00 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road stopped to investigate after they heard a crashing noise.

As a deputy walked toward the area where the noise originated, he spied an 18-year-old pirate come out from around a parked car with a broken plastic sword in his hand.

The officer approached the scallywag, who admitted to hitting the parked car but claimed that the vessel belonged to him.

The swashbuckler said he dueled the car because he was angry that his first mate marooned him by talking on the phone.

The officer, who had difficulty understanding the captain’s slow, slurred speech, decided that the man had swilled a bit too much grog and was neither sea- nor street-worthy.

The officer arrested the man for public intoxication and hauled his booty off to the Santa Barbara County brig, where he was booked, pending sobriety.

Going for His Drinking Badge
Sunday, Oct. 30, 1:46 a.m. – Officers walking through the intersection of Abrego Road and Camino Pescadero saw a 19-year-old man climbing through the open window of an apartment.

A deputy contacted the man, who was wearing a Boy Scout outfit, and ordered him to climb down from the window.

The scout did his duty and approached the deputy, who asked him why he had been sneaking in through the window. The man said he was camping out in the apartment, which belonged to his friend, for the night, but the complex did not allow visitors – scout’s honor.

The deputy scolded the man for forgetting the buddy system and proceeded to locate his friend, who confirmed that the man was indeed pitching a tent in his living room for the night.

The officers decided to let the man off the hook and told him to go inside for the night, to which the man readily agreed.

Five minutes later, the deputy observed the scout stumble across the street and nearly fall over.

The man saw the officers and turned around to walk away, but as he crossed the street, he lost his balance and fell against a parked car.

The officers again contacted the subject and asked him how much he had had to drink. The overachieving scout said he drank so much that he couldn’t even keep count.

The man was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was booked, pending sobriety.

Stairway to Prison
Sunday, Oct. 30, 2:32 a.m. – Mounted officers were stationed at the intersection of Del Playa Drive and Camino Del Sur when a 22-year-old man jumped in front of them and proceeded to play a guitar solo reminiscent of Hendrix, minus the talent.

A deputy asked the tone-deaf musician to get off the street, but the man continued to play, causing the officer’s horse to jump sideways and dance around.

While the horse did not seem upset as it gyrated in the street, the officer warned the man that it is illegal to disturb a police mount.

The deputies decided to ignore the subject and continued down the street, only to face him again about 10 minutes later on Camino Pescadero.

As the officers passed the man on the road, he said to his friends, “This will piss them off.”

The rebel without a clue then launched into an encore performance that proved to be his last, winding up under arrest for annoying a police horse and for public intoxication.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, were he was booked, pending sobriety.

The Law Doesn’t Have a Snooze Bar
Friday, Oct. 28, 10:17 p.m. – Officers investigating the alley behind a house on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive found a 19-year-old man passed out on the hood of a Mercedes-Benz.

As the deputy approached the human hood ornament, he noted that man had fallen asleep in a puddle of vomit.

The officer attempted to wake the man, who remained unresponsive for several minutes before the officer was able to rouse him from his slumber. The groggy man looked at the officer and pleaded to be left alone to sleep.

The deputy again attempted to talk to the subject, who told him, “I’m OK,” and dozed off again.

The officer pressed on, and proceeded to ask the man where he lived. The man told the officer he was from San Luis Obispo. The officer then asked the man if he knew where he was, but the man did not respond.

The deputy then asked the man if he was alone, to which he responded that he was with his friends. The officer informed the man that he was actually alone, and removed him from the hood of the car.

The man was arrested for public intoxication and taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail, were he was booked, pending sobriety.

You Can Lead a Drunk to Jail…
Friday, Oct. 28, 10:49 p.m. – Deputies on horseback were stopped at the intersection of Trigo Road and Camino Del Sur when a 19-year-old man walked headlong into one of the officers’ horses.

As the man reached up and started to grab the horse, the mounted sergeant ordered the subject not to touch his noble steed, and maneuvered the animal out of the man’s reach.

The subject told the sergeant he just wanted to pet the horse. The man was arrested for touching a police mount, and was ordered to sit on the curb. While the deputies were processing his paperwork, the unruly horse molester repeatedly stood up and had to be told to sit back down.

While he was being transferred to a police vehicle, the man fled from the officers and ran about 100 yards down Trigo Road.

Four officers chased the man down the road, eventually catching up to the subject after he fell face-first in the street and was unable to catch himself.

After reigning in the fugitive, officers trotted him off to the Santa Barbara County Jail.