Ah, back-to-school season. Before college, going to back to school was the worst time of year. It meant the end of warm, lazy days spent doing nothing at the beach. It meant waking up early, staying at school all day, and going to bed early so you could do it all over again. Here, going back to school actually means the start of warm, lazy days spent doing nothing at the beach. It means getting up past noon on weekdays, going to class only to find out when the next test is, and staying awake till the infomercials come up. Except, of course, for this year. Because this year, you’re really cracking down. You’re going to try harder — study more, get better grades, really make the effort. Yeah, right. I’ve heard that one before. Let’s not kid ourselves — pick up that bong and give up now. That resolution will last until your third beer this Friday. Don’t even try and convince yourself — you know I’m right.

The reason no one puts any energy into studying is because they’re exhausted from moving all their useless crap. If you’re moving into a new place, starting another year here means you’ll be busting your ass just to set up your room. Remember all that heavy shit you had to move at the end of last year? That’s right folks, you’re going to have to move it all again! If you’re lucky, your roommates have been using your room as a storage closet. If you’re unlucky, your mattress has seen more drunken, random sex in three months without you than it has the previous nine months with you. Get out the Febreze and try to ignore those stains — welcome back to Isla Vista.

Many of you will be putting together new furniture, using diagrams filled with 10 pages of identical-looking boards and screws. I spent my first day back putting together my “Flärke” from IKEA. That’s Swedish for “You American moron, you just spent money on something called a Fl