In my girlfriend’s defense, I am rarely online. But I would like to expose what a degree from UCSB gets you these days. Her name is Dina Vainer, and yes, I promised her I would keep her identity ambiguous. I encourage you all to instant message her, as she will be in Spain for two months, possibly homeless. She will need companionship of the virtual variety. The following is a conversation we had online Monday night:

Odidoz3: So how do you send porn on this thing?
Dina323: send porn? I don’t know… who are you sending porn to?
Odidoz3: send me some… take some pics of yourself right now.
Dina323: naughty.
Odidoz3: I said now. Video will work too.
Dina323: what if I’m an FBI agent? … Posing as a 9-year-old.
Odidoz3: that’d be hot.
Dina323: so what have you been up to?
Odidoz3: reading books, trying to think of a column idea, got any?
Dina323: column where?
Odidoz3: for the summer issue, it comes out Wednesday.
Dina323: ooh right… write about me… my boyfriend’s the opinion editor.
Odidoz3: yes I know.
Dina323: he also enjoys sports.
Odidoz3: very good.
Dina323: and beer.
Dina323: write about your shoes.
Odidoz3: you make no sense.
Dina323: and how they’re hip even though everybody wears them… or write about trimming nipple hair… or how men wax themselves voluntarily and how this is stupid.
Odidoz3: these are all good ideas…
Odidoz3: I’m sending you something.
Odidoz3 wants to send file C:\Program Files\Ares Lite Edition\My Shared Folder\The Books – The Lemon of Pink – Take Time.mp3.
Dina323: I noticed.
Dina323: my boyfriend loves this song
Dina323: did I tell you I saw the Books?
Odidoz3: you’re retarded.
Dina323: you’re retarded.
Odidoz3: why do you keep on talking like you’re talking to someone else?
Dina323: who else would I be talking to?
Odidoz3: I don’t know, but let me insert what you just said to me…
Odidoz3: Dina323: my boyfriend loves this song… did I tell you I saw the Books?
Odidoz3: got anything to say for yourself?
Dina323: perfectly reasonable except for the typos.
Odidoz3: well I’m pretty sure I know that you saw the Books… unless you saw them somewhere else…
Dina323: nope, just the once.
Dina323: now explain to me why I sound like I’m talking to someone else.
Odidoz3: why would you tell me “did I tell you I saw the Books?”
Dina323: because I don’t remember who I told.
Odidoz3: and you don’t remember who was there with you.
Dina323: oh… crap
Odidoz3: ya
Dina323: ha
Odidoz3: wow
Dina323: I was talking to you as if you were someone else.
Odidoz3: who’s the retard now?
Dina323: this is what happens when you’re never online… I blame you.
Odidoz3: clearly my fault.
Odidoz3: dumpster.
Dina323: hi, baby… I’m laughing.
Odidoz3: I’m shaking my head.
Dina323: so whatcha gonna write about?
Odidoz3: I think I’m just going to use this conversation.
Dina323: noooo.
Odidoz3: command, save.
Dina323: I hate you.
Odidoz3: and your stupidity will be immortalized.
Dina323: just because I got your screen name confused with another screen name
I never see… fucker.
Odidoz3: who did you think I was?
Dina323: a friend of mine you don’t know
Odidoz3: so does your friend shave his nipple hair too?
Dina323: I don’t know… I was thinking about your nipples, actually.
Odidoz3: what kind of shoes does he wear?
Dina323: the checkered ones with no laces that everyone who thinks they’re cool wear. Black and white, all worn out from going to emo concerts.
Odidoz3: true
Dina323: you’re not actually going to write about this, are you?

Daily Nexus opinion editor Chris Trenchard hopes his significant other will not remember to check in Spain.