Everyone has an idol.
In my case, from a career point of view at least, I look up to Nexite alums Josh Elliott and Chris Ballard, who both graced the Nexus office in the early ’90s, only to become two of the most promising sportswriters at Sports Illustrated — a publication that I can only dream about writing for.
But in the meantime, while enjoying nights of drunken debauchery in I.V. and following my dick around on a nightly basis, alcoholic endeavors are by no means exempt from the rule of examples. We all need a prominent alcoholic to enhance our own booze related adventures whenever cracking open a frosty Budweiser. So without much further ado, I present to you my list of the world’s most prestigious boozehounds — which I have coined the “Hammered Hall of Drunkenness.”
The first selection should, obviously, begin with our intoxicated forefathers.
George Washington, step on up.
Our Nation’s Father regularly enjoyed a drink he called a “flip.” Washington would throw back this wondrous cocktail on a regular basis — which consisted of beer, rum, cream, sugar and eggs. Always one to appease his troops, he was notorious for making sure beer was at their disposal during wartime. When elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses, he apparently rewarded voters with 75 gallons of spiced rum. Washington’s enjoyment of a stiff drink and passionate individualism is still the mantra of our current nation — who cares about that whole independence thing, anyways?
While dwelling on the past, we can’t possibly ignore Vincent van Gogh. As told in folklore, Van Gogh lost his mind due to drinking a wee bit too much absinthe — otherwise known as the green fairy, or that amazing green shit that’s illegal in the United States.
Jack London, considered by many as one of the most revered figures in American literature, had a reputation for wetting his whistle fairly frequently. The author of classics such as White Fang and The Call of the Wild admitted that his first venture into inebriation was at the ripe age of just five. He also admitted to having a profane love for “John Barleycorn,” what is more commonly referred to as whiskey.
And where would we be without the late Jim Morrison, pop idol and former lead singer of the Doors. The man would rock a bottle of bourbon onstage, and on occasion pass out before the performance was even over. Oh Jim, you could take me to the next whiskey bar anytime.
Let’s get this straight; if I ever happened to be seated next to President George W. Bush at a bar, I would probably introduce my fist to his nose, but the man does have a reputation for debauchery. Apparently, the Bush of yesteryear would pound beer like water and strut his Texas swagger through the bar — much to the delight of every cock mongrel present.
No booze-infested list would be doing alcoholics justice without at least mentioning the beer-gutted, hefty Red Sox southpaw David Wells. The onetime Yankee admitted to throwing a perfect game — a feat far rarer than a no-hitter for the baseball illiterate — while being “half-drunk.” David, you are a role model for all of us boozehound intramural softballers.
While on the topic of the Red Sox, 86 years of World Series futility is longer than most lifetimes. So when it was reported that members of the BoSox took shots of whiskey before playoff games and ended with one of the most infamous playoff runs of all time, they at least warrant recognition.
So if you ever find yourself in dark times, with a lack of motivation to polish off your jack and coke, rest assured.
Our alcoholic forefathers are there for you.
Daily Nexus assistant opinion editor Sean Swaby looks up to the three wise men.