I’m not much for playground gender discourse. Men aren’t from Mars – and as far as I’m concerned, if women were really from Venus, they’d have three boobs.

Yet there are certain phallophobic feminists who’ve taken the gender war discourse of a first-grade playground and turned it into an academic discipline. The resulting cootie-entrenched philosophy has fueled a radical anti-sex movement that goes by the name of “gender studies.”

Gender studies thinkers are so far to the left that they’re lucky the earth isn’t flat. Their intellectual idols, such as Andrea Dworkin, essentially believe that all hetero sex is rape. Even worse, they automatically label anyone who challenges them as sexist. This has nothing to do with dialogue or discourse on gender issues but with one long vagina monologue that seeks to viciously silence all other views while promoting sexual paranoia, political correctness and lies.

The most notorious of those lies is that one in four women are victims of rape or attempted rape. This was the result of a doctored study commissioned by gargoyle Gloria Steinem. It turned out that 73 percent of the classified victims didn’t believe they were raped and 44 percent continued to date their “rapists.” Equally false are a number of statistics spread by campus feminists regarding sexual violence.

These lies and factual manipulations are still circulated because they were the only basis for the wave of laws that classified the likes of eye contact as “sexual harassment” and regret as “date rape.” Such PC prudery has finally been retired by the real world, but it has a nursing home in academe, where it lives on as a frail attempt to justify the belief that all the world’s horrors are the fault of masculinity and “rape culture” – as manifested, apparently, in flirtation and sense of humor.

Now I’ll readily admit that the word “rape” kind of turns me on, but that’s only because it rhymes with “ape.” It requires a remarkable ignorance of history, art and biology to believe that rape is a social construct rather than a pathological failure to control natural urges. Rape has existed in every culture everywhere.

As usual, the solution isn’t to haplessly ignore nature but to learn how to deal with it – which means emphasizing empowerment over victimization and realizing that women have never had more power and protection than in “patriarchal” capitalism. Such ignorance is itself a form of intellectual masturbatory rape – in the sense that you’re screwing yourself without knowing it.

But an honest and healthy understanding of rape would undermine gender feminism’s morbid Marxist ideology and its dogmatic agenda to de-penisize society. Their attitude seems particularly pathetic in light of our campus, where female sexual confidence reigns supreme.

I surveyed 100 random women on campus to ask whether they ever attended or benefited from the Women’s Center in any way. Exactly nine said yes. True, sampling was biased toward those I didn’t smell from 10 feet away. But still. The numbers at least suggest that academic feminism is only relevant to a tiny number of women, the type who mistake Lynyrd Skynyrd for a dictionary. And any guy who pays lip service to feminism only does so in hopes of getting lip service in return.

We need counseling for rare victims of real violence. We also need to pursue an impartial and intellectual study of sex. But neither goal should be exploited as a politicized medium for propaganda, as it has been by feminist institutions on campus. All they’ve done is contribute false information and literally put the “y?” back in women. What a legacy.

It’s time to put this diseased sacred cow out to pasture.

Alec Mouhibian is a Daily Nexus columnist.