The Emperor’s New Pants

Saturday, Jan. 29, 1:05 a.m. — Officers on patrol in a marked police vehicle spotted a 19-year-old man wandering through the carwash area on the 6500 block of Madrid Road, a situation that would have been unremarkable, if not for one minor detail.

“The subject caught my attention because he was not wearing any pants,” the reporting officer stated.

One of the deputies tried to contact the man — who, fortunately, was wearing underwear — but instead of responding, he attempted to scale the block wall at the rear of the carwash area.

His legs free from the burden of weighty fabric, the man was able to struggle over to the far side of the wall.

The officers returned to their patrol car and circled around the block to the parking lot of Giovanni’s restaurant, where they found him standing atop a dumpster. His brief flight from police ended here, as he proceeded to jump down and chat with the deputies.

He volunteered that he had consumed more than a pint of hard alcohol, and his odd behavior and strong odor gave the officers little reason to doubt him.

The deputies then asked the question on everyone’s mind: Why was he not wearing any pants?

He replied that he had lost them on Picasso Road — roughly four blocks north of the spot where the police had first seen him.

The police report also noted that the man had been carrying a pair of shorts; however, he said he “never wears shorts.”

Based on his partially-clothed — and wholly-intoxicated — state, the deputies transported the man to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Bloody Mary Had a Few Too Many

Friday, Jan. 28, 11:45 p.m. — Deputies observed an 18-year-old woman staggering eastbound on Del Playa Drive while being supported by an unidentified female subject.

When the officers contacted the woman to inquire about her welfare, they noticed blood on her face and more coming from her nose. The girl who had been helping the bleeding subject said the woman had fallen to the ground earlier.

One of the deputies then questioned the injured woman about what had happened.

“I had too much,” she answered.

He then clarified the original question, asking the woman why her face was bleeding.

She said she did not know why she was bleeding, then changed tactics and insisted that blood was not, in fact, streaming from her nose.

The officers were not fooled by her clever ruse, and judged that the woman was too intoxicated to care for her own safety.

She then became verbally abusive, referring to people she came in contact with as “bitches and assholes” before being transported to Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Not So Good With Numbers

Friday, Jan. 28, 10:16 p.m. — Officers performing a vehicle stop at the intersection of DP and Camino del Sur observed an 18-year-old woman being carried by two men heading westbound through the intersection on DP.

One of the deputies approached the woman, who appeared to be having trouble maintaining her balance, and asked her to let go of her male companions. She complied, and almost fell down before the officer had her sit on the curb.

She said she did not know the men who were assisting her, and was heading to a friend’s house but did not know the address. The deputy asked her if she knew where she was, and she responded that she was somewhere on the 6600 block of DP.

The deputy then threw the woman a curveball, asking her to state her address.

Flustered, she replied, “My name is 6655 Del Playa.”

When asked to repeat herself, she clarified: “My name is 6625 Del Playa El Colegio Road.”

Seeing that the question was giving the woman trouble, the officer elected to continue on with the curbside quiz and ask her how old she was and where she was born.

She again struggled with the question, saying that she was 18 years old and born in 1968.

The deputy tried once more to determine where the woman lived, and this time she informed him that it was on El Colegio Road, but she again did not know the number.

The woman’s incoherent answers led the officer to his next and final question: How much had she had to drink?

The clearly inebriated subject claimed that she had consumed “one shot of tequila.”

Police transported the lightweight to the Santa Barbara County Jail to sleep it off, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

What’s my Name Again?

Saturday, Jan. 29, 12:25 a.m. — Officers on foot south of the intersection of Camino Pescadero and Sabado Tarde Road observed a 20-year-old man vomit as he staggered northbound on the sidewalk.

They also spotted a silver flask in his right back pocket. When a deputy contacted the man he claimed that the flask belonged to a friend.

The deputy asked the man what kind of alcohol was in the flask, to which he replied, “I have no idea, I was just holding it for a friend.”

The officer then informed the man that the flask was in his possession, and thus he was legally responsible for having an open container of alcohol in public.

When the deputy asked to see the man’s driver license, he said he did not have it with him. The man said and gave his name as “Jonathan,” along with what was later determined to be a false last name.

After a records check yielded no matches, the officer explained to the man that it was important to be truthful about his identity, and that doing otherwise constituted a crime.

This time, the man spelled his name as “Jonethen,” and said he was certain that it was correct.

Again, the computer yielded no records for such a name.

The officer told the man that if he could not be identified, he would have to be arrested, at which point the man became worried and asked how much it would cost.

“I don’t know, but it’s more than the cost of an open container in public,” the deputy replied.

He handed the man a notepad and told him to write out his name. He wrote “Jonathan.”

Unsurprisingly, the third records check was not the charm.

The deputy confronted the man, saying that he suspected the man was lying about his name and about not having identification with him.

The man then attempted to bargain with the officer: “What if I tell you my real name, do I still have to get a ticket?”

Providing false information to a police officer was added to the man’s open container and public intoxication charges.

The man — whose real first name was not “Jonathan,” nor any variations thereof — was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety and identification.