Weed, doobie, hay: we’ve all heard the names kicked around by wasted marijuana addicts in the back alleys and dumps of America. Recently, this evil drug struck again, taking a life even from the Law and Society Program of our prestigious university. Our deluded peer, in his THC-induced stupor, has gone as far as to produce a hallucinatory column about marijuana’s benefits (“Dude, Herb is Totally Chill,” Daily Nexus, Jan. 13). Quite clearly written while high from its rambling, incoherent character, the column desperately attempts to express the feeling of euphoria the writer was experiencing while “riding the bus” after a bong hit, a feeling that is followed shortly by a crash and a powerful craving for another, bigger hit. But don’t be deceived by his demented ideology or the rationalizations of NORML, an association of strung-out drug-addicted fanatics who can barely care for themselves. The truth is that marijuana has been proven to kill children.

Mr. Hamme even has the balls to suggest within his disjointed tirade that students pay for the production of marijuana cigarettes on campus, which is an atrocity. Before long, UCSB will be a pit of sex, drugs and alcohol, and our fine reputation as a center of higher learning will be sullied by the smell of wacky tobacco smoke wafting out of the chancellor’s office. Mr. Hamme, go back to your painted school bus. People like you are wiping out kids faster than convicted sex offender Victor Sciortino and threaten to disrupt the traditional social balance of Isla Vista.

As evidenced by Mr. Hamme’s descent into personal ruin, marijuana, unlike its cousin crack cocaine, lacks discrimination. Anyone can get addicted to a destructive poison that induces psychosis as soon as its foul vapors are inhaled, including innocent bystanders. Once hooked, a good amount of addicts go on to become dependent on heroin or methamphetamine. Before you know it, they’re out killing people to support the habit or selling themselves to other addicts so they can buy marijuana and crack from their pimps. And drugs like weed can destroy a grown man as quickly as anyone. Just look at our last two presidents. Imagine the pain their families are forced to endure.

Have you ever seen the specter of a marijuana addict? It is one of a sickly skin-and-bones fiend, with oily yellow skin and a raspy voice from the constant smoking, herpes in every orifice, teeth or limbs missing, and always in a desperate search for a bowl. The only way we can save ourselves from marijuana and the resulting crack and methamphetamine epidemics is to find these wicked addicts, lock them up, and throw away the keys, even if it takes the whole army and navy. Penalties for possession should be as harsh as in Arabaghistan, where I’ve heard you can lose a hand or a wife. Similarly, all the dealers, with their millions of filthy dollars, should be castrated and sent back to the savage jungles of Colombia, where they would no doubt kill themselves by binging on cocaine. No state penitentiary could be harsh enough for a child-killing, marijuana-peddling vampire. Don’t believe the wild myths, dreamed up by raging pot ideologues, that marijuana can cure the sick. A weakened patient lacking the built-up tolerance of an addict would certainly die instantly if forced by the doctor to take ganja. Clearly the whole movement is a ruse created by addicts stricken with cancer and other disorders after too many years of drug abuse who just want to take advantage of the system at our expense. They should be held accountable, kicked out of the hospital and moved to a high security prison for posing a threat to society.

Some day, we will all live in a partnership for a drug-free America. So save our ship, vote Red every year, and donate to the Campaign Against Marijuana Planting before it is outspent by terrorist organizations like NORML.

I’ll drink to that.

Nathaniel Page is a junior philosophy major. For more information about the ills of illegal drugs, visit www.freevibe.com.