Leave town. Now. Because everyone is. Everyone. Even my neighbor’s hamster, seriously.

I’m not leaving, mind you. DP on Thanksgiving weekend is as big, if not bigger, than Halloween, but with a smaller police presence. Or maybe I’m thinking of Wal-Mart. Or Orange County. Regardless, it was a pretty wild time last year, wherever the hell I was.

Tuesday’s forecast: Party at the mall this Friday, 6 a.m.