Here it is, kids – the spookiest time of year. The one weekend when you can wake up betwixt a Friendship Manor resident wearing their Depends and a confused, young man, and the worst thing that can happen is you being late to bobbing for apples. This is the weekend of unbridled, outrageous extremes: Instead of having six beers, you have 17. Instead of going out in a T-shirt and jeans, you leave the house looking like the illegitimate love child of the St. Paulie girl and a cheap Jersey hooker.
If you’re going to dress up and party like you’ve never done before, why not take this opportunity to try something in the bedroom that you would never dream of doing if it weren’t Halloween? Why not give your scrumptious zombie friend a trick and a treat? You know what I’m talking about, and the move is only made oh-so-appropriate due to the current weather patterns these days. This weekend you’re gonna pee on your hookup – give ’em the old Golden Shower!
One of the last great taboo sexual fetishes, the Golden Shower isn’t tricky due to how you do it, but rather, because it’s damn near impossible to find where to do it. So in order to pull this move off successfully, you’re going to need to get your haunted hookup into the shower, for it is in the shower that your whiz, just like any chance of rekindling this relationship or remembering what you do this weekend, will swiftly dribble down the drain.
Getting the object of your ghastly passions into the porcelain arena should prove to be quite easy considering that costumes have a habit of getting pretty gross as the night goes on. If you want to double your chances, stake out a dance party and freak them next to the sweatiest person you can find. No doubt they will want to rinse off the salty slather they’re covered in after dancing alongside Chewbacca and Ron Burgundy.
So once they’re under-showerhead – you standing there like the Casanova you are, kissing them wildly and a-slipping and a-sliding all over their body – that’s when you start the waterworks. Let it all out – all of the Nattie and the whiskey and the Bacardi and the eggnog and – wait, eggnog? What kind of parties are you going to this weekend?! – send that relieving rush through the steam and right onto their legs.
This is where the true connoisseurs of the fetish break into groups. Some like receiving the shower, believing that the ultimate sign of sexual submission is accepting any fluid your lover has to offer. Others believe that giving the shower is the ultimate sign of sexual dominance, marking your territory like a sexy king or queen of the jungle letting everyone downwind know who you’ve nailed this monsoon season.
Now catch that look on their face! They might want to run away from you and your special drips of little yellow kisses, but if they bail out now, how the heck are they gonna wash off the rest of the pee? They are forced to stay in the shower with you, forced to turn away to rinse off one leg, only to have to you mark the newly offered limb. Try writing your name.
These seconds together might be awkward. They may start to cuss at you and call you names, maybe even try to pee on you back – ignore all of that. You should really use this time to reflect on what you are feeling – assuming you are coherent enough to understand what you are doing. Do you like peeing on someone else? Is this a fetish that you would like to explore again in a more sober, compassionate setting as opposed to your little pee-trap?
The freakiness that is Halloween in Isla Vista is an unrivaled experience, but let’s be honest – it does seem to be a bit repetitive once you’re my age, kids. So why not make this 31st a truly memorable experience? This holiday weekend, don’t pass up your golden opportunity to really let the good times flow!
God, that was bad. Now go get that candy!
Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese will tell the world to bring on the golden showers by dressing up as a urinal this Halloween.