Editor, Daily Nexus,

I am writing this letter to tell you how disappointed I am with the sex columnist this year. The glory days of looking forward to picking up the Wednesday paper are forever lost to me. OK, so I was a little upset when I found out the columnist was a guy this year, but I decided to give him a chance, which is why I waited until now to send this to you. Unfortunately, it has not gotten any better than that first horribly stupid column written by his penis. First, the sex columnist should not have a penis. Second, he should not be using it to write the article. But this is not all. His columns have been little more than egotistical diatribes (sort of like the one I’m writing now). There has not been any useful information, anecdotes or anything at all worth reading. So I write this to you now in the hope that you will rectify this inequity and replace him with someone who actually has sex more than once a week and does not need to “masturbate into a sock.” Other than this profoundly disappointing column, I really like the Daily Nexus, and I hope that you will deal with this issue in a timely fashion.