Editor, Daily Nexus,
This article is addressed to all the Rec Cen pretenders. We have all seen them before. I am talking about those guys who are in the weight room for hours, doing anything and everything besides working out. They roam the gym floor, meandering from one machine to the next. At every opportune moment, they will catch a glimpse of themselves in the mirror, flexing their inflated muscles as if they were Hercules reborn. They usually appear to be overgrown action figures, considering that many of them practice the “frat boy” workout. For those who don’t know – the “frat boy” workout is an intense regimen that focuses primarily on the development of the chest and arms. They will soon begin to realize that they bear a strong resemblance to the Tick, as their upper body looks like it was placed upon the legs of a 12-year-old boy.
You can usually find these guys in a small, fraternal group, proudly exhibiting their Fight Night shirts from years past, as if it were the crowning achievement of their lives. Yet, they remain ignorant of any proper form or technique, and their unfamiliarity with the gym begins to surface. They will begin to grunt and yell as if they were alpha males fighting for territorial domain. Brothers will be egging others on, further perpetuating the ridiculous spectacle that they have already made for themselves.
After a good 30 seconds of working out, you can find them beside those girls who are more appropriately dressed for jumping on stage and doing a pole dance than working out on the StairMaster.
Mr. Tick, we are not impressed. Your presence in the gym makes a mockery of all the dedication and hard work we put forth. You are your own biggest fan. Your Herculean demeanor fools no one; real can always recognize real. Stop walking around the gym like you own the place, because we can all see through you. If you have to ask yourself if this article applies to your own workout regimen, more than likely I wrote this for you.