Hi there! My name is Little Joe Namath, and I’m Dave Franzese’s penis. I’ve been Dave’s penis for all of his life, and while I’ve been peeing, growing, shrinking, making girls laugh and generally enjoying my existence as a tiny wiener flapping around in the breeze for the past 22 years, I didn’t learn how to use a typewriter until about one month ago. It’s still pretty tough to use the shift key, but you’d be surprised how useful Dave’s testicles can be around the office.
Anyhoo, I’m here today to tell you guys what a great year this is going to be for the Wednesday Hump. Not just because we’re all going to learn a lot about sex and sexuality, but because Dave has some really big surprises planned for us this year. But before we get into those details, I’m sure most of you are wondering why Dave let his ding-dong write the first column. Well kids, if you’re in the mood for a story, settle into those shitty university desks, cover up your Nexus with a notebook so you look busy and listen to the yarn this dick is going to spin…
You see, Dave has had writer’s block for about two weeks trying to think of a really fascinating way to kick off his year as the sex columnist. All the jokes he was writing weren’t funny, all the ideas he had for columns were hokey and he didn’t have any totally crazy, sexy things happen to him this summer to tell you guys about.
Anyhoo, so the other day, Dave is in the Daily Nexus office perusing past sex columns looking for inspiration. So I ask him if I can read a couple of them with him, and being the gentleman that he is, he agrees and takes me out so I can do some light reading and get some air until the next time his little hands attack me. So the two of us are sitting there reading old newspapers, he’s drinking a Sam Adams and I’m enjoying a thimble full of whiskey, when all of a sudden, it hits me like a ton of sexy bricks:
“David! None of the sex columnists who came before you had a penis!”
“Don’t be silly little penis! I’m sure they had a bunch of wieners back in their day: in their hands, or in their mouths, or near their pants… probably even in a few other places. I mean, after all, they were sex columnists! Oh penis, you’re a hoot!” he tells me.
“Jesus, man, are you retarded? I meant that they literally didn’t have dicks – they were all a bunch of ladies. Don’t you get it? If you want to really grab people’s attention this year, why don’t you let me write the first sex column? It’s never been done!”
“It sounds like a great idea! Nobody had their penis write their column before because, not only am I the first sex columnist who actually has a penis, but vaginas can’t use typewriters! You’re so smart, Little Joe Namath! You’ve got the job!”
To celebrate, we masturbated into a sock.
So here I am, the first penis to ever write a sex column. And there you are, the first group of people to ever read an article written by someone’s genitals. What a historic Wednesday this turned out to be, right? And now that we’re all caught up, let me tell you kids what kind of guy Dave is and what he has in store for you.
He takes legs over boobies, Lohan over Duff and the Stones over the Beatles. His favorite band is the Bouncing Souls, position is froggy-style and his drink at a bar is a Tom Collins. Despite his active sex life, however, I see his skinny little hands more often than I’d like to as he violates me almost every goddamn weenie-tugging day. The coolest place we ever had sex was on the hood of a red Corvette. It was safe sex though; the car wasn’t moving. That was a bad joke, but then again, I’m just a tiny penis, so get off my back about it.
And there you have it kiddies: This is the beginning of the best year the Hump will ever experience! We’re going to learn how to get your walk right and allure that ass, what positions have the lowest carbs, how to have the kind of sex that makes foul words come up out of your mouth, the best music to get down with and so much more. If you ever have a beef with me or with my boy Dave, feel free to send us some hate mail over at your mom’s house or maybe even your grandmother’s house if we’re drunk enough. This is our year, dear readers, so buckle up.
Keep your powder dry,
Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese may or may not be able to type with his penis but given the slightest provocation he is willing to prove it can be done.