I was sunning myself off the coast of Malta, loafing on a 50-foot yacht with my ridiculously wealthy friends, when I was struck with a revelation. Summer sucks. I then blurted out the notion to my shipmates.
“Aww,” said Nancy Rockefeller, my occasional mistress. “The nerd misses his school.” She then playfully dumped her strawberry daiquiri in my lap, ruining my new Dolce & Gabbana swim trunks. As I brushed the crushed ice off my crotch, I yearned for so many things. I wanted new rich friends. I wanted a new Palm Pilot, one with solid gold casing. I wanted my groin to cease being painfully numb from the daiquiri. But most of all, I wanted summer to be over.
Think back to a time when you didn’t hate the summer. Those were the days when school was a monotonous routine full of lessons you didn’t ask for. Summer was your sweet relief back then. Remember how good it felt when the bell rang that last day in June? Remember those carefree afternoons spent at pools and beaches? Things have certainly changed.
School is the vacation now. Summer is the chore. From June until now, you probably had to work. Maybe you waited tables, worked a cash register or delivered groceries to an elderly shut-in woman with 40 cats. Maybe, like me, you traveled the globe with a gang of good-looking millionaires. It doesn’t matter, really. It’s over, and you’re at UCSB – a college widely regarded as a resort with books. At long last, it’s time to unwind.
How should you properly enjoy the next few months? The first rule is to not major in anything related to math or science. If you’re already majoring in something like that, stop. Switch to simpler, like comparative literature or communication. A little known fact about college is that you need passing grades to keep on rocking, so don’t flunk out like an idiot. Just take classes you could ace while in a coma, and schedule them all in the afternoon so you can sleep in.
When you leave your residence for campus, don’t bring a notebook. If you’re as smart as you should be, you won’t even need it. It’ll just weigh you down. Just remember every important thing your professors say, and you’ll be fine. This is not to say you should pay close attention in lectures, mind you. Like all your time at UCSB, class is for taking it easy. Put your feet up, flip through this newspaper or maybe take a catnap. If you’re extroverted, try to talk with the person next to you. Look at them now. Are they remotely attractive? Yes? Go for it, tiger. Start the conversation with a knock-knock joke.
If you’re like most of the party animals around here, you’re going to crave alcohol on the weekends like an obese child craves Twinkies. This is a common mistake. To confine your drinking to Thursday, Friday and Saturday is to deny yourself the good life. You should be buzzing every minute of every day. If you’re doing it right, everyone will know you as the person who gets loud and emotional all the time for no real reason. Throw a few back while you bike around campus. Drink the afternoon away with the bums outside I.V. Market. Drink alone with a good book. College is the only period in your life when not only is substance abuse acceptable, it’s smiled upon. Don’t waste a precious moment.
I know you’re a tad stressed. During the next few months you’re going to finally get your shit together. This is the year you’ve been waiting for your whole life. You’re going to discover what you want to do with your life, meet someone that fits you and land a kick flip on your skateboard. It’s going to be great, but right now just chill out. Stop thinking and enjoy this moment. School is finally back in session.
Daily Nexus columnist Drew Atkins is not ashamed that he wears Dolce & Gabbana swim trunks. Not one bit.