When you step into a strip facility, it’s going to be dark and loud. When your eyes adjust to the dimness, read the sign posted with all of the rules on it and pay the doorman your entry fee, which ranges from free to $20 or so depending on time of day, day of the week, etc. Call ahead if you are unsure or really cheap. The large, darkly dressed fellow will let you in and point you in the direction of the stage. Most strip clubs are small, so you shouldn’t have any trouble. There should be a small stage (usually with a pole) with chairs around it, and some other seats farther back. If you want to put down money, sit in the front. Be warned, you will be expected to put money down for every dancer that you sit there for. If you like to watch more than interact, then sit in the back.

Let’s say you sit in the front. When a song starts, a scantily clad woman will enter stage right and dance awkwardly to the loud Evanescence, Dido or’70s soul hit, then begin her rounds of the table. One by one, she will take money in exchange for rubbing her boobs in your face, taking a folded dollar bill out of your mouth or doing yoga moves in front of you. However, the creepier you are, the less of a show you will get. If you are female, it’s no holds barred and you could wind up smelling like stripper with lipstick on your bra.

If you go to a strip club early in the evening, you will see the newer strippers with less practice and usually less rhythm. The more the night progresses, the more advanced the strippers. If you stay late enough you may see monkey girl leaping off of the pole and onto your lap.

Keep in mind that it is California law that “totally nude” strip clubs cannot serve alcohol, so don’t expect there to be a Jack and Coke to loosen you up. Drink beforehand or tough it out, alkie.

After about every four dances, the DJ will announce a lap dance special. This is when all of the strippers will come out, rub your back and try to talk you into spending $40 for a four-minute private dance. The specials vary from “Two strippers for the price of one” to “Three songs for the price of one.” Either way, you are paying a woman lots of money to touch you far less than your average girlfriend would. On second thought, maybe you should take that money and get a new haircut, wax your back or sign up for match.com. Any other way you spend it would leave you feeling at least a little better about yourself.