Well it’s almost the end of the school year, and you know what that means – whether you are a freshman, senior or somewhere in between, it’s time to try to get some folks fired. Goodbye, pristine reputation and hello, nearest semi-attractive teaching assistant. Yeah, you read that right, the studying is about to stop and be replaced with some good old-fashioned TA seduction.

If you are a student, I bet you have fantasized about at least one of your TAs at one point in your college career. If you haven’t done it yet, you will. That is, unless you are a biology major or any deviation thereof. In that case don’t worry too much, we all have to take GEs.

All right, so it’s been hot lately – what would be so bad about showing up to your TA’s office hours with some cold beer? For the less bold students, I recommend taking a sudden, intense interest in extra “help” before finals. That could mean talking shop in your TA’s office all about your near-worthless $135 book which you will only be able to sell back for $30 or tearing a few pages out of that same text to cover your private parts while waiting naked for the person in their office. If nothing else, at least that would be more like getting your money’s worth for the book.

There should, however, be some general guidelines to follow when considering hooking up with your TA. Number one: If the person is married and/or has kids, don’t even go there. Karma will not let you live that one down, and there’s no benefit to becoming a home-wrecker. Number two: If you get a bad vibe when you’re trying to put on the moves, abort the mission. You don’t want to be too hasty with suggestive actions or comments if the person is clearly not responding. My grandma always said, “A foot in the mouth is worth two in the ass.” You are trying to get your ass caressed here, not kicked.

Third and finally: It would be wise not to let any relations you may have with the person go public. Bragging to your buddies about how you 69’d with your TA will not bode well for a double dip if your kissing and telling gets back to the TA. So no sitting next to them during lecture so you can rub their leg. I doubt your history TA would appreciate his or her whole department knowing about their free anatomy lessons to students on the side.

On the other hand, you should definitely try to fool around in their office, unless they share it with five other TAs or worse, the professor. Being walked in on by the professor would be almost as terrible as walking in on your mom riding your dad like an obese tourist on a rented moped. Wait, I take that back – there’s nothing that terrible, but you get the idea.

You should also try to get a better grade out of the set-up. I mean come on, I think any sort of genital licking should warrant at least an extra little plus next to the grade they give you. Then again, if their crotch is nasty, they better just straight up give you an A.

As for you TAs, I wonder how many of you are scoffing while reading this, thinking you are too good for fantasizing about your students. That’s bullshit. You know you have thought about some busty freshman in a short skirt or some tan, surfer type that skips discussion every other week to go down to Ventura. I just wish I knew how often all of you TAs wished you could turn your next section into a sex-tion.

Even if you haven’t thought that specifically, just think how the dynamic would change if you hooked up with that one student whose head is already all the way up your rear orifice anyway. Wait, who am I kidding? No one wants to hook up with those kids – my bad.

Post-examinational fellatio or pop quiz copulation, anyone? Sounds like a fun plan to me. It would certainly take care of the monotony of section each week. I would love to come home and tell my horny housemates a story that included a ruler, a chalkboard and humping on top of piles of graded midterms. Unfortunately, my options for any TA lovin’ this quarter are limited to almost none – most of my TAs are women.

Kate Rice is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.