It is obvious the Internet is killing us – not mentally, but physically. For example, when I checked my e-mail this morning, I fell out of my chair and broke my right nut.

Why does the Internet suck big balls? Or maybe the question is, why do I break my balls every time I get on the Internet? Either way, there is no answer. There is, however, an answer to why I don’t like AOL Instant Messenger.

Anyone who uses “lol” on AIM should be shot. Are you really laughing out loud? Bullshit! Even if you were, how would I be able to tell when “lol” could also imply “that was mildly funny” or “stop fucking talking to me.”

Also, what’s with this “lmao” bullshit? Why can’t you just express yourself like a regular human being and type “hahahhaahahahah”? That’s what I do when I find something funny – the more funny, the more ha’s. Therefore, if I type “ha,” you should shut up because you’re about as funny as my neighbor’s mother’s husband – and that’s stale.

My point: In real life, everyone has a unique laugh. Online, everyone laughs the same. We are rapidly deteriorating as a human race. Hopefully, in approximately 10 years we can find a way to kill the Internet so that my roommate, for instance, will stop turning into a robot. The other night, he said “power off,” then fell asleep in his chair. Then he fell out of it and broke one of his nuts.

This is a problem. Every morning I have to push Scott’s “power” button for him to function, and frankly, it’s a pain in the ass. I mean, I have other stuff to do, like take a shower. And masturbate in the shower.

Somebody do something.

In addition, there’s the addiction problem. AIM has conquered much of our college social lives, when we really should be playing cards, throwing footballs and socializing in the hallways. Supposedly, that’s what people did in college in the 1980s. Wow! What are we doing today? Chatting online with our high school friends about how Jimmy is going to prom with Rebecca, but how Rebecca wanted to go to prom with Mike instead? The key issue: Jimmy wants to bone Rebecca. Fascinating! Do I care? No!

But the most annoying thing is when people ignore you. If I send you a message, respond asshole! Don’t pretend you’re doing something big and important then respond 25 minutes later and say “lol.” You should regard the Special Anthony Policy.

The Special Anthony Policy is this: If you type “lol” to me, I warn you nine times, then block you.

I’m thinking maybe that’s why I don’t have 200 buddies. Nevertheless, let us not get off track. This article has a point, and that point is to tell you to stop using the Internet. We are all turning into robots. If we all join forces and log off together, maybe we can chat in the halls again. Maybe we can play football on the lawn again. And maybe my roommate will stop breaking his nuts.

Anthony Manganaro is an undeclared freshman.