Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

Lucky us! Tonight, Oscar Award-winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. will be gracing the Campbell Hall stage to answer your questions and promote his two most recent features, “Snow Dogs” and “Boat Trip.” Both films will be screening starting at 6. Tickets are $7.50, with all proceeds going to Cuba himself. Also tonight, the Music Dept. will be sponsoring the Bum Quartet, featuring the downtown bum on trumpet and the I.V. Market bum on guitar and vocals. The show will be held at the Lotte Lehman Concert Hall at 8 p.m. Tickets are $4.

Tonight, on display for all to see will be John Kreshsky, junior bio major and beer bong extraordinaire. He will be attempting a risky, three-story beer bong with his beer of choice, Natural Ice. This not-to-be-missed spectacle will begin at 10:30 behind Sabado Tarde Road’s Seaview Apartments. “Friday Night Live,” UCSB’s answer to the Amish, will be sponsoring an alcohol-free backgammon tournament with musical accompaniment by Brother Ishmael on the recorder. Join them at 9 p.m. for this free event.

In true I.V. spirit, tonight students will be taking to the streets and burning down Sam’s To Go for their liberal use of child labor. Touting the slogan “We Don’t Care if He’s Your Son!” the mob will commence at 11 p.m. in Anisq’Oyo Park. This one is sure to bring down those exorbitant turkey sandwich prices! Finally, the day we have all been waiting for, the 45th annual Sloshball Tournament of Champions will be held in the far west corner of Storke Field. Sign up your team at the Freebirds tournament bracket. The cost is $75 to cover the price of beer.

Haven’t seen much good art lately? Well, head over to the Women’s Center spring art opening, titled “Pussy Galore: An In-Depth Look at Womanhood.” Wine and cheese will be served along with the Women’s Center’s famous pigs-in-a-blanket. This event is free for women; $5 for men. Not to be outdone, the organization Men Against Rape will be erecting a 25-foot papier m