Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

As a feminist, I am offended by any slang term referring to the female breast. Kindly never print the following words in your fine publication: titties, knockers, hooters, headlights, fun bags, jugs, meat balloons, yabbos, sweater cows, blouse bunnies, Dolly Partons, yum-yum dumplings and milk melons. And by extension, please never again mention either the cult TV show “Twin Peaks” nor the Silicon Valley.