Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.
The first Spring Quarter meeting of Associated Students Legislative Council began with a 30-minute discussion of what proactive initiative toward a positive dialogue would best educate the students and raise awareness about the proposed acquisition of a second office hamster.
Just as no university would be complete without its mascot, the first A.S. pet, a two-legged hamster named Angelina, brightened the A.S. office throughout the first week and a half of Winter Quarter. With A.S. funds stretched thin already, the feeding costs for the pet became a financial burden and a topic of the Feb. 4 Leg Council meeting after little Angelina’s food ran out. The 2004 Hamster Initiative would pursue a lock-in fee of $4 per quarter. It was agreed upon unanimously, but in accordance with A.S. policy it was tabled for one week, during which the pet died.
Zoology major and On-Campus Representative Betty Hawking said even though Angelina’s two right legs were gone, her movement was never hindered.
“Angelina’s perseverance was an inspiration to us all,” Ms. Hawking said to a teary-eyed council. “But rest assured we won’t make the same mistake twice. The funds we’re raising will go toward a much sturdier and cost-efficient model, the Swedish Angora Hamster, bred to outlive most housecats on the diet of a mealworm.”
Off-Campus Rep Barett Benfo expressed his faith in the legislative system, ignoring periodic outbursts from On-Campus Rep Carol Methra lamenting, “Why didn’t we vote to save her when we had the chance?”
“Carol, shush! Angelina’s death may seem unnecessary, but we were voted to these offices by our student constituents, and we all know that the voice of the students cannot be hurried. This is democracy in action,” Mr. Benfo said.
Mr. Benfo said “warm thoughts” of Angelina would remain with him always, especially as the council launches its Hamster Awareness Education Drive, beginning in April with a publicity campaign to raise awareness.
In other news, a bill tabled last week was passed unanimously Wednesday that would endorse an amendment to UCSB policy to allow students a one-time fee waiver in exchange for his or her firstborn male child. Finally, the council ended with members reading personal diary entries about deep emotional breakthroughs experienced over the past Spring Break. Irvin Morhouse’s stirring presentation of his haiku “ode to addressing my awareness” elicited educated tears from the student audience.