Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

With budget cuts looming on the horizon, UCSB Student Health Service officials have been thinking outside the body bag in their search for a way to increase revenues.

Student Health’s newest fund-raising idea has enlisted a new ally in the war on unhealthiness: dead people. The Corpse Rental Program, which was unveiled earlier this week, gives students who have the urge – and the cash – an opportunity to spend “quality time” with real medical-grade cadavers.

The bodies can be rented by the hour or by the day, for a maximum time limit of up to five days, and vary in price according to age and physical condition.

Milton Smuckles, health enforcement chief for the department, said the program was inspired by a similar one at UCLA, where the program director sold body parts taken from donated corpses.

“Once we heard about what they were doing at UCLA, we thought, ‘Wow! That is a great idea!'” Mr. Smuckles said. “But I think we have really taken it to the next level. By using whole corpses and just renting them out, we can make a lot more money and make a lot of people happy in the process.”

The Corpse Rental Program is a big leap forward for UCSB’s largely underrepresented necrophiliac community. Mr. Smuckles described the program as a sort of “Make a Wish Foundation for People Who Like to Have Sex with Dead People.”

“We are providing a valuable service to UCSB students,” Mr. Smuckles said. “Necrophiliacs have been poorly served for too long now, and I am proud Student Health is taking a stand.”

Harvey Bargman, cadaver distribution engineer, said a limited number of corpses are available on a first-come, first-serve basis until more arrive, and only the swiftest necrophiliacs have been able to secure a deceased companion during the program’s opening days.

“The only corpses we have so far are the ones that we had lying around the office, but with our track record I’m sure we’ll get some fresh ones in before long,” Mr. Bargman said.

Mr. Bargman said he expects Student Health’s medical care division will produce enough new corpses for the Corpse Rental Program to be able to sustain itself. The department will also be cooperating closely with Friendship Manor, Isla Vista’s home for the elderly.

“I figure we will just keep doing what we’ve been doing, only harder,” Mr. Bargman said. “If we lose, say, one or two students a week, that should be plenty of bodies to keep the program running smoothly.”

A necrophiliac junior biology major who identified himself only as “John” said he thought the program’s prices were very reasonable. A 25-year-old corpse in good condition could be obtained for $200 a day, while a day with a one-armed, 57-year-old corpse would cost students a mere $24.95 before tax.

“That’s really a bargain,” John said. “I’ve been shopping around, and Student Health’s program is easily one of the best corpse rental services in the area.”

While Mr. Bargman said he was unsure about the state’s regulations on cadaver rental, he insisted that Student Health’s program is on firm moral ground.

“We’re almost certain this is pretty much legal,” Mr. Bargman said. “Anyway, the cadavers don’t care, right? This is definitely a win-win situation.”

Mr. Smuckles said the program may soon offer a cadaver delivery service to Isla Vista and the surrounding areas with the help of Transportation and Parking Services.

“My goal is to provide high-quality corpses to necrophiliacs throughout Santa Barbara. They have done so much for the community, and I think it’s high time we gave something back.”