Population growth is a big problem for me. As an environmentalist, I’m concerned that America already uses more resources than it can sustain. Water tables are dropping, topsoil is eroding and other bad things that require research are happening. As a fan of the American lifestyle, I want there to be enough real estate to go around. I demand my cozy little house and a backyard. And a fence around that backyard; preferably a big fence. As a misanthropist, I’m not exactly thrilled about filling the world with more people to hate.

Right now, the population growth rate of the United States is about 0.9 percent. That’s at least 3 million people more than we want. Lower is better. We’re using more resources than we can handle already; the last thing we need is more people. Especially white people. You could try to balance the situation by regulating births. But that would mean getting serious about birth control. We would have to drop abstinence-only education and talk about, you know, that thing people do to make babies. That’s just not a moral path to tread.

A lot of people blame population growth’s problems on immigration. Yet immigrants are the last people we should try to kick out. A lot of people hold this bizarre misconception that immigrants are a bunch of lazy, siesta-taking loafers. You won’t find any of these in the U. S. because we do the right thing when it comes to immigration. We make them work to get into the country. Anyone with the moxie to evade border guards and brave the desert for a week makes the cut.

One group of Cubans converted an old car to a boat and was sailing it across the sea to Florida. And those fools at the Coast Guard turned them away! Sure, they were poor and black, but that’s only two strikes. We passed up an opportunity to gain innovative, hard-working citizens. If risking your life for freedom doesn’t scream out, “I should be an American,” then I don’t know what does. Sure, immigrants contribute to population growth, but they also pick your strawberries. Immigrants aren’t the problem.

Government is the problem. In a perfect example of the law of unintended consequences, liberals have wasted a lot of hard-earned taxpayer money saving lives, only to ruin others by crowding us so tight we can’t swing our polo clubs. They put together programs like that damned Coast Guard. When they’re not busy deporting genius immigrants, the Coast Guard stifles survival of the fittest by rescuing unfit people. They’re just the tip of the iceberg.

Big government has a whole fleet of ambulances waiting to save undeserving lives. In blatant defiance of God’s righteous judgement, they will pull you out of a car wreck and fix you up so you can crash your car into someone else. Government put together the CDC [Centers for Disease Control and Prevention], who have saved so many lives with their disease control nonsense that it’s positively criminal. It’s as if they don’t want us to catch diseases in order to prevent humanity from developing natural immunity to them. Government makes up rules for workplace safety, which cost way more than the life of a mere union member is worth. Government even feeds children in school. By that age, if they can’t hunt their own food, we don’t need them crowding our world.

There’s not enough room for all of us to be fat and happy. And there certainly isn’t enough room for a government that has grown too big for its britches.

Daily Nexus columnist Loren Williams has grown too big for his britches.