Ahhh winter is finally here.
The storm season is upon us, the new students are settled in and the parties are plentiful. The mundane mid-year slump is hitting, so hookups at this time of year are particularly shameless, and just about anyone can get laid if they find the right partner to indulge them in some rough and rowdy on the rug. But no need to rush into intercourse chatter just yet, let’s start small here: oral sex.
Since oral sex is so intimate there are a lot of insecurities involved. One would like to believe that – as a giver – they are good at it and that – as a receiver – they taste good. However there is one sure-fire way to make a damn fool of yourself in front of anyone: crotch rot. You’d think that with the advancements humans have made in hygiene, people would take care to polish their privates for display. Then again, people are stupid.
Girls get the bad reputation about their vaginas with all the fish references, which may be warranted in a minority of cases. Even worse is the douche commercials in which every woman in them looks like she just shoved one million dollars into her snatch instead of some vile bleach-like substance that leaves her stripped of all Mother Nature’s great goodness up there. Just because we have soft, moist, dark crevices between our legs does not mean that cleanliness is not possible. Most girls keep clean just fine without anything but the age-old trick of basic daily washing.
My issue here, however, is how men have slipped through the cracks of the crotch rot stereotype. What about sweaty balls, dick cheese and butt crust? I’d say those are just as bad as a sushi bar between some girl’s legs, only perhaps slightly less nutritious. Men have the same access to the same cleaning supplies as women and they do not even have to worry about vacuous, baby-housing caverns to clean, they just have to mind the twig and berries.
So what is the excuse when a guy gives the oral sex encouraging head push down to someone and she passes out because of the sheer smell? Forgot to rub toilet water down there after ball sweat has got the best of you? Toilet water is never an appropriate means to clean the balls and, if you think it is, Counseling and Career Services offers free counseling to students with misguided opinions such as this. Tap water and soap- that’s all I’m encouraging.
I, like most of you, am very choosy in who I pick to give oral sex. When I am about to take one for the team with a sausage down my throat, I don’t want to have to encounter a member that actually looks or smells like a roll of over-processed meat. I expect the courtesy of a little washing or else the trash talking about the log of shit coming out from between your legs that you call a dick will gladly be expressed to the world – after I refuse to suck it, of course.
It is only fair, guys do the same things to girls all the time.
If you are into it, going down on someone can be like a trip to Trader Joe’s where you get everything you want to eat and leave satisfied. However in other cases it can be more similar to digging through the dump like a bum until you find at least some part of anything that is not too filthy to eat. Needless to say, you don’t want to be there with your head in the trash, no one does.
If there is ever a time where you have misled yourself to believe that anyone would be happy to suck off unkempt cocks, you’d best grab a bar of soap, go into the bathroom and hope that one day you might actually get some good head.
Keep it clean, don’t rub your balls down with toilet water and stop with the fish jokes unless the girl charges you admission to Sea World before you reciprocate. Avoid the embarrassment and don’t believe the hype.
With Kate Rice, the Daily Nexus sex columnist, every day is free Sea World admission day.