People use a wide array of mechanisms to liven up their sexual experiences. From food in the bedroom, to sex toys, to dressing up in a big animal costume with a hole cut out for the genital areas, if you’re truly seeking something different, you will most likely find it – even if that means obscene verbal outbursts.

But if you are just hammering away with your partner and he says, “Let me take a dive into your feces factory,” or she blurts out, “I want to suck those naughty, dirty, hairy nuts,” what are you to make of it?

The phenomenon of talking dirty is age-old, but the flair of originality has abandoned this fine art out in the cold. There are only so many times you can hear your partner say, “Oh yeah. You are the best. That feels so good,” before it starts to seem like you’re fucking an optimistic guidance counselor or a mild-mannered preschool teacher.

I used to sleep with this guy who always requested that I whisper sour nothings in his ear about what I wanted him to do to me. After I overcame the overwhelming urge to say ever-so-sensually, “Yes, baby, oh yes! Rub my feet!” I always found myself drawing a blank.

The problem is not that I lack the creativity to come up with some tantalizing, cock-teasing freak-nastiness. I just found it very awkward saying something anywhere along the lines of “I want your big sloppy dick all up in my pussy and your sweaty balls in my hand. Pound me like a jackhammer, big daddy.”

Furthermore, he wasn’t hung up on the fact that he wanted to spew his verbal diarrhea all over my ears in return. I don’t like to hear pleas to toss my salad, I don’t like referring to anyone’s penis as Long John Silver, and my name is Kate, for God’s sake, not Priscilla the Pussy Princess.

Some say that part of what is thrilling about dirty talk is that people don’t normally have the ability to speak openly about their fantasies or desires. However, in the heat of the moment the lines of what you can say often become blurred.

Recitation of the right perverse passage could make sex much hotter, true. But it could also kill the mood faster than it would take Rosie O’Donnell to eat a gallon of cookie dough ice cream. By talking naughty, you run the risk of saying something he or she will regret. References to pets, relatives and anything having to do with legumes up the anus are a definite no-go – unless, of course, you have an affinity for ass beans.

Where did the road that appeared to be leading to sexy secrets make a wrong turn toward degrading demands and ridiculous retorts? If you are going to talk dirty to someone, keep these pointers in mind:

First, unless your partner thrives daily off cheesy lines littering porno scripts everywhere, don’t use them in your actual sex life. Thus, “I am the Lego man and my part will fit perfectly into yours” will probably not cut it.

Second, keep in mind that the point of dirty talking is to turn both of you on, not to disgust or offend one of you. Leave out unnecessary details that could lead to that. I am sure a few of you out there want to hear, “Baby, yours is the smallest I have ever had but you sure do know how to use it.”

Lastly, make whatever you are saying sound like it’s only meant for that person in the moment and that you are just as turned on saying it as they will be hearing it. That is the key to bridging the gap between reciting mindless, uninventive babble and conveying truly seductive desires that will leave your partner begging for more – or at least begging to hear more to masturbate to if you are bad in the sack.

I urge the use of dirty chatter behind closed doors to spice up, not stink up, the sexual experience. You are in college; utilize what little you may have retained from all the English classes you have ever taken and create a verbal masterpiece that will leave your partner dripping with anticipation.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Kate Rice grows her own ass beans.