Balance Is Overrated

On Friday, Oct. 3, Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers observed an 18-year-old woman leave a party on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive with another female friend. When they saw Suzie McStumbles leaning on her friend for balance, the officers assumed it wasn’t because she had left her walker at home.

When the officers approached McStumbles, she denied having any alcohol that night and asked to be released. Although a generally obliging bunch, the officers suspected some falsehood in Suzie’s story and arrested her for public intoxication.

The truth came out when McStumbles vomited on herself in the transport van on her way to the county jail. Upon arrival at the jail, Suzie was still in need of her walker. This time the officers were more than happy to oblige and carried her into the cell.

A Stinky Situation

On Friday, Oct. 3, an IVFP officer observed a 19-year-old man walking in the middle of the road on the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road. He was yelling, “Fuck you!” to other pedestrians and appeared to be trying to start a fight.

When contacted by the officer, the suspect had lost his fighting spirit and quickly admitted to drinking “a lot of beer.” He was arrested for public intoxication and escorted into the transport van so he could spend the rest of the night in jail.

The man took the van ride to be an opportunity to catch up on his sleep before the long night ahead of him in the county jail. After completely passing out, he wasted no time in urinating and defecating on himself.

The cozy accommodations of the paddy wagon must have made it difficult for the man to wake up, since he did not respond to ammonia inhalants or sternum rubs. He was transported to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for alcohol poisoning.

After treatment, the man got another free ride in the sleepy-time van.

The 100-Yard Dash, Redefined

On Saturday, Oct. 4, an officer saw an 18-year-old man walking on the 6600 block of DP with a container of liquid. When approached by the officer, the suspect said, “You got me, it’s beer.”

The man had no identification on him, but openly told the officer he was only 18. While the officer was attempting to establish the suspect’s I.D., the man ran from the scene.

Clearly not an Olympic-caliber sprinter, the man was caught and detained on the 6800 block of DP. When the officer asked this Carl Lewis wannabe why he fled the scene, he said he was just being stupid.

Pseudo-Lewis then decided to dig his grave even deeper by adding insult to stupidity. He told the officer, “You are kind of chubby. I didn’t think you would be able to catch me.”

In addition to the public humiliation of being outrun by a chubby cop, Pseudo-Lewis was arrested for an open container, minor in possession and resisting arrest.

But Did He Refuse Coffee in the Morning?

On Saturday, Oct. 4, an officer saw an 18-year-old man staggering down the 6600 block of DP. When contacted by the officer, he said he was on his way home to the Fontainebleu residence hall.

When the officer informed the suspect he was walking in the wrong direction, he became very confused. The officer asked the suspect if he knew where he was. The suspect said, “I’m not talking to you anymore,” and tried to walk away.

The officer had to catch the suspect to keep him from falling. The suspect said he had only had two beers that night, but had never drank before in his life because he is Mormon and grew up in Utah.