“Can you spell that one more time, Mr. Governor?”
I can already see the veins in Arnie’s massive neck bulging, prompting similar action in his forehead. “I already spelled it 10 times: S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R. Is that so hard? Now, are there any other questions? I am a very busy machine.”
He points out a sheepish man in the back: “What do you want?”
“I didn’t quite catch the last 12 letters of that name, Mr. Governor.”
Such are the disadvantages of not having a short, simple name like Davis. But Arnie’s got plenty going for him if he truly does want to go for the gubernatorial.
Some of you may be laughing at the very thought of it, but there is a very real possibility. He’s said that if California needs him, he’ll run for governor. Spoken like a true action hero. Schwarzenegger would run as a Republican; the party would gladly support him to get Davis out of office.
Not only does he have extraordinary name recognition – even if nobody can spell it – he’s got over two decades of action movie experience, a must for any man running for governor of California. The budget is a war zone; it’s going to take a man with some muscle to set these times of trouble right.
But Arnie not only has the brawn, he’s got the brains. In “The Running Man,” after cutting an enemy in half with a chainsaw, he explains the man’s disappearance: “He had to split.”
Unbelievable. How could you not elect this guy? This kind of witty action translates into well thought out and straightforward policy.
He also boasts a deep understanding of the human psyche. In “Conan the Barbarian,” he is asked what is best in life.
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
If only Arnie’s enemy were outrageous taxes. Another ever-popular concern of Californians is the downward spiral of the environment, including problems with clean air and drinking water. Well, taking the true Republican stance, Arnie has the answer here, too:
“It’s not a tumor!” That’s right, Arnie, it sure isn’t, and certainly not due to dangerous pollution levels. No whiny liberal could stand up to this beast of a man. And if they want to?
“Oh come on… stop whining! You kids are soft! You lack discipline! Well I’ve got news for you, you are mine now! You belong to me!”
Yup, give this whole state a sharp, crisp military efficiency. Just like in “Kindergarten Cop.”
In the event that Arnie does take office, invariably he must name himself commander in chief of California’s police force and take care of the immense drug manufacturing and trafficking business in this state. But he doesn’t always have to kill people to get his way. If there is evidence of compassion in this world, it’s right here:
” If you drop your gun now, I promise I won’t kill you.”
Good man, Arnie.
There is one very serious consideration for Mr. Schwarzenegger when it comes time to put together a campaign: How will anyone be able to take him seriously? This little gem from “The Terminator” may be the perfect campaign slogan: “Come with me if you want to live!”
Try saying no to that.
And for his re-election campaign, if it ever comes to that, you can already guess it:
“I’ll be back.”
Daily Nexus opinion editor Cory Anthony is considering moving out of California. Soon.