For the past two and a half years, the thoughts and biting criticism of Steven Ruszczycky has graced the Opinion page of the Daily Nexus. Elusive in both his public and private life, many students have wondered, just who is the man behind “Living Without Vowels”?
Finally, after much footwork, dirty dealings with press agents and numerous false Steven sightings around the Lagoon area, Mr. Ruszczycky has agreed to do a final interview before he retires. Here is the interview, complete and unedited.
Steven: I would just like to thank you for agreeing to this interview. A lot of people are interested in what you have to say.
Steven: I know. Let’s make this quick though. I have tickets to the opera this evening, and I don’t want my limo stuck on the 405. It’s simply horrendous.
Steven: Okay, then let’s get right to the big one. Many students wonder, are you really, well, gay?
Steven: Excellent question. During my second year writing my column, I noticed a significant drop in ratings. At the advice of my agent, I assumed a gay persona in order to boost readership. It gave me endless material to work with, and I can’t imagine how I survived up until that point. You can see the same thing happening on network television. Take “Will & Grace” for example – hilarious stuff.
Steven: So you’re a fan of the show?
Steven: No, heavens no, I don’t watch television. But I’ve heard good things about it.
Steven: Does that mean you’re straight?
Steven: No. I’m actually asexual and reproduce through a spawning process. It’s really annoying when I’m cutting my toenails.
Steven: I see. So why did you title your column “Living Without Vowels”?
Steven: I had originally wanted to title the column Vowel Obstruction or Vowel Movement, but the censors quickly squashed that idea. They claimed it would offend our incontinent demographic. Since the majority of people who read newspapers usually do so while on the toilet, we didn’t want to take a chance. Living Without Vowels was actually the result of a several editorial committees and much market research.
Steven: Where does your inspiration come from for your columns?
Steven: Myself, mostly. Usually, when I feel writer’s block, I stare into a mirror for hours on end. When that doesn’t work I watch videotapes of myself masturbating. That usually gets me going.
Steven: Wow, um, okay. So, do you have any future plans yet?
Steven: Yes actually, I have a book in the works titled Bunny’s Mystic Journey. It’s about a rabbit that gets eaten by a crocodile. It intends to teach youngsters about the digestive system. I have an idea for a sequel in the works as well, titled Bunny’s Sewage Spectacular.
Steven: That’s fascinating. We have time for one more question. Can you comment on the Beth Van Dyke incident?
Steven: My lawyers have advised me to make no comment. All I can say is I respect Ms. Van Dyke as a professional.
Steven: Yeah, but the police found –
Steven: This interview is over.
But, seriously folks, it’s been a wonderful two and a half years, and I’d like to give the obligatory thanks to the following people: Curtis and Erin for giving me the chance to be a pretentious little shit. Daniel “Icy Stab” Okamura and Drew for being pretentious little shits as well as remaining my friends. Jen and Marisa for being booty- and boobylicious, respectively. Cory, I couldn’t have had a better assistant. The Daily Nexus artists for making things pretty. Beth Van Dyke for helping me get over those Wednesday humps. Brendan for suckering me into the Daily Nexus and fortifying my liver. Eliav the Legend. Barb the patron saint of the Opinion office. Mom and Dad, my two biggest fans.
Lastly, I would like to thank myself. Without me, none of this would’ve been possible.
Farewell my lovelies.