There are far too many slack-jawed geeks in the world. You know them. The kind that wear glasses with tape on the nose, pocket protectors and still play Dungeons & Dragons at least five times a week. In fact, they get depressed if they play it any less.
Another form of the geek comes as the scraggly, stubble-faced guy, prone to dirty sweatshirts and jeans with unidentifiable stains on the thighs and crotch. This breed of geek breathes heavily and rapidly, clenching and unclenching his fists in time to his respiration.
These two types, along with foreign businessmen, are the bread and butter of the stripper industry. Geek type 1 usually goes with a mass of other geeks, tittering like adolescent boys at the thought of naked women, despite the fact they go every weekend after slaying a nasty horde of orcs.
Type 2 geeks, also known as dirty old men, haunt strip clubs on weekday nights. Sitting in the back, rhythmically clutching the dollar bill in his fist as if it were his most sensitive body part.
These are not functional members of society, and stripping only helps produce more of them. Our society needs its geeks; however, strip clubs throw off our delicate ecosystem, producing more geeks than jocks and meatheads know what to do with. Soon, everyone in our world will either wear a dirty sweatshirt or spend their evenings identifying themselves as a temperamental dwarf named Thad.
Stripping also hinders the porn industry, sending thousands of the well-endowed and stamina-gifted out of work. With unemployment skyrocketing, individuals will turn to role-playing games and strip clubs to keep themselves entertained, thus creating a vicious cycle. More normal individuals will come into contact with geek spores, which require only a matter of days to fully transform a healthy human into a panting geek.
The act of removing one’s clothing for money may be demeaning to women, but that’s not the point. Such activities threaten our very existence. If allowed to continue, we will all decide which dirty sweatshirt to wear by a role of the dice.
Steven Ruszczycky is the Daily Nexus Opinion editor.